UN Com­man­der EDW Lynch boldly con­fronts card­board tube militants

SAN FRANCISCO– In yet another exam­ple of his self­less human­i­tar­ian spirit, EDW Lynch led a United Nations Uncon­ven­tional Cul­ture Com­mis­sion mon­i­tor­ing mis­sion to Hayes Val­ley Farm.

Act­ing on sig­nals intel­li­gence gleaned from the extrem­ist Card­board Tube Fight­ing League web­site, the multi­na­tional observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see card­board tube mil­i­tants amass­ing. While some par­tic­i­pants claimed the event was a “card­board didgeri­doo con­fer­ence,” it became clear to inter­na­tional observers that rit­u­al­ized card­board tube vio­lence was the goal of the shad­owy organizers.

EDW Lynch responded to con­cerns about his per­sonal safety by not­ing that “the work of the United Nations Uncon­ven­tional Cul­ture Com­mis­sion is dan­ger­ous but nec­es­sary. I will con­tinue to heed the call of inter­na­tional human­i­tar­i­an­ism, pro­vided that call comes from some­where in the San Fran­cisco Bay Area.”

SAN FRANCISCO– Much to the alarm of Bay Area human­i­tar­ian fanciers, EDW Lynch led a high risk United Nations mis­sion to San Francisco’s Valentine’s Day Pil­low Fight. With absolutely no regard for his per­sonal safety, Com­man­der EDW Lynch, rep­re­sent­ing his adopted native coun­try Liecht­en­stein, com­manded an 18 per­son United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days (UNCCH) force. Empow­ered by UN Res­o­lu­tion 0190, they were tasked with vig­or­ously observ­ing the ram­pant pil­i­tancy at the Pil­low Fight.

The unpil­lowed force was pro­tected by Inter­na­tional Pil­low Law, which for­bids attacks on unpil­lowed observers. How­ever, the UNCCH mis­sion was repeat­edly ambushed by the 2,500 pil­i­tants, despite stren­u­ous pleas on the part of Com­man­der EDW Lynch to “please, just con­sider pil­low non-violence.”

Recent reports that claim EDW Lynch has been stricken with “pil­low lung” are wildly exaggerated.

SAN FRANCISCO– In the most dan­ger­ous mis­sion yet for the United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days, Sir E. D. W. led a small observer force deep into the mas­sive Valentine’s Day Pil­low Fight in Justin Her­mann Plaza.

Despite inter­na­tional pil­low law which for­bids attack­ing unpil­lowed observers, the UNCCH detach­ment was repeat­edly ambushed by pil­lowed insur­gents as the brave observers sought to defuse the pil­low brawl. Pam­phlets encour­ag­ing pil­low non vio­lence were dis­trib­uted and uni­ver­sally ignored.

In remarks to var­i­ous news orga­ni­za­tions at the scene, Sir E. D. W. called for a “larger and bet­ter pro­tected observer mis­sion for next year with a strength­ened man­date with rules of engage­ment per­mit­ting defen­sive pil­low deployment.”

The United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days exploits were widely reported and photographed.

Pho­tos can be found at the UNCCH Flickr page.