BRUNEI– E. D. W. Lynch spokesman Myron Bron­stein refused today to con­firm or deny the exis­tence of a 2008 improve­ment ini­tia­tive much like last years acclaimed “2007 Yes!” cam­paign. Refer­ring specif­i­cally to a glossy two page spread in Human­i­tar­ian Fancy mag­a­zine with pur­ported details of the top secret pro­gram, Bron­stein said “I can nei­ther con­firm nor deny the exis­tence of any pro­gram or pro­grams in devel­op­ment or oth­er­wise.” He also refused to com­ment on the name of the pro­gram, reported by some sources as “2008-Great!”

Human­i­tar­ian Fancy hinted that among the 2008 pro­grams, a “stage 2″ of 2007’s ongo­ing Social Surge is immi­nent and will “be bold and unprece­dented.” Social Resources Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto was unavail­able for com­ment, but an assis­tant noted that he is “very busy with the ongo­ing work of the surge.”

In other news, Melvin Mumps, gos­sip colum­nist for Human­i­tar­ian Fancy mag­a­zine has gone miss­ing in Zürich after wit­nesses say he was “play­fully shoved” into an unmarked panel van.

MACAO– Social Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto announced today that a key goal of the social resources Surge, a meet­ing with screen star­let Scar­lett Johans­son by Valen­tines Day 2008, has been “per­ma­nently postponed.”

Tsar Funston-Nakamoto acknowl­edged that news reports of Miss Johansson’s immi­nent engage­ment to “some guy” may have “played a role” in the change of course, but he refused to elaborate.

Address­ing human­i­tar­ian fanciers, jour­nal­ists, and inter­na­tional dig­ni­taries at Three Broth­ers Golden Lotus Hap­pi­ness Flower Palace Casino, Tsar Funston-Nakamoto also announced a new goal for the Surge as it con­tin­ues unabated into 2008. “I project Sir E. D. W. Lynch will buy a latte for under-appreciated ambi-racial screen siren Shan­nyn Sos­so­man by Sir E. D. W.‘s birth­day, May 3rd, 2008.” He went on to list some notable details about the actress, includ­ing that fact that she is of “Dutch, Fil­ipino, French, Ger­man, Hawai­ian, and Irish descent,” and also that she “once wres­tled an escaped lion to the ground in Prague.”

REYKJAVIK– Social Resources Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto today acknowl­edged reports that a key pro­jec­tion of the Social Resources surge, the find­ing of an offi­cial muse by Christ­mas, has not yet been met.

“We have expe­ri­enced tem­po­rary oper­a­tional delays in the search for the half-Asian Amer­i­can Apparel™ model and muse for Sir E. D. W. which com­pels us to read­just our pro­jec­tions in this key social met­ric.” Tsar T. Argyle reas­sured the dig­ni­taries present at the revolv­ing Ice­land Kristall Restau­rant Ban­quet Cen­tre that the muse will be found “absolutely no later than the end of first fis­cal quar­ter 2008.”

The Social Tsar also out­lined in a vague and intrigu­ing man­ner the var­i­ous pro­grams cur­rently under­way as part of the ongo­ing surge, indi­cat­ing that they are “exten­sive, ongo­ing, and show­ing excit­ing results.” He would not, how­ever, com­ment on any specifics, nor on the sta­tus of another key goal of the surge, the meet­ing of Scar­lett Johans­son by Valentine’s day of 2008.