In a depar­ture from his civil­ian con­sult­ing for Santa’s Lit­tle Secret Ser­vice, EDW Lynch served this Decem­ber in Santa’s Own 12th Nut­cracker Reg­i­ment. Cit­ing his deep com­mit­ment to “Christ­mas Cer­tainty” (the North Pole pol­icy to ensure Christ­mas occurs each year, and every­where), Cap­tain EDW “Pine Nut” Lynch armed him­self with a candy cane pis­tol and led Oper­a­tion Yule Storm into San Fran­cisco on Decem­ber 12th. The mis­sion: escort the yearly San­ta­con with extreme prejudice.

SAN FRANCISCO– A secu­rity adviser for the Easter Bunny has con­firmed that EDW Lynch is con­sult­ing on secu­rity prepa­ra­tions for the reli­gious hol­i­day icon for this year’s Easter Sun­day celebrations.

A spokes­woman for EDW Lynch declined to com­ment specif­i­cally on the mat­ter cit­ing “secu­rity, con­fi­den­tial­ity and other con­cerns.” How­ever, as com­man­der of Santa’s Lit­tle Secret Ser­vice, EDW Lynch is empow­ered by the Office of the Santa to pro­tect spe­cial dig­ni­taries includ­ing the Easter Bunny.

Spec­u­la­tion on the Easter Bunny’s route in San Fran­cisco is ram­pant and many observers expect the famous rab­bit to appear at the Sister’s of Per­pet­ual Indul­gence 30th Anniver­sary cel­e­bra­tion. A spokes­bunny for the Easter Bunny refused to pro­vide details of the Easter itinerary.