SAN FRANCISCO–Celebrated humanitarian EDW Lynch has once again taken up the candy cane sword for Santa Claus. After last year’s victorious Operation Yule Storm, the North Pole asked EDW Lynch to command a joint security operation to protect Sleigh One: Operation Chimney Sweep. The December 4th mission was an unquestionable victory for Santa.
Posts Tagged ‘humanitarian works’
SAN FRANCISCO– In yet another example of his selfless humanitarian spirit, EDW Lynch led a United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission monitoring mission to Hayes Valley Farm.
Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing. While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.
EDW Lynch responded to concerns about his personal safety by noting that “the work of the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission is dangerous but necessary. I will continue to heed the call of international humanitarianism, provided that call comes from somewhere in the San Francisco Bay Area.”
SAN FRANCISCO–Ending months of speculation into his whereabouts, EDW Lynch emerged from self-imposed isolation to reveal his behind-the-scenes role in ending centuries of hatred and violence between kittens and puppies. EDW announced the historic Point Reyes Agreement Between Kittens and Puppies at his San Francisco corporate headquarters before representatives of the international humanitarian press and about 250 baby animals.
“At long last, the senseless war between tiny, fuzzy kittens and happy, clumsy little puppies is over,” intoned EDW Lynch as he posed between a 6 week-old Maine Coon kitten and a 3 week-old Dachsund puppy, grasping a tiny paw in each hand. Moments later, ten fuzzy mewing little kittens and ten goofy silly little puppies ratified the agreement by paw print. Members of the press spontaneously erupted in a pained “awwwwww,” though one journalist briefly lost consciousness due to the sheer volume of adorableness and was rushed to a nearby hospital.
The Point Reyes Agreement formalizes a cessation of hostilities in a war of cuteness that has spanned centuries. The treaty is the product of months of tense negotiations at an undisclosed facility in Point Reyes, California. EDW Lynch served as a back-channel liaison, hosting the secret negotiations at a time when the baby animal partisans were still publicly calling for each other’s destruction.
Kittens, long prized for their unbearable fuzziness, have condemned increasing levels of puppy fuzziness, particularly among small “toy” dogs. Puppies meanwhile have engaged in centuries long armed struggle against what they believe is an unacceptable rise in kitten clumsiness, historically a trait most often found in roly poly puppy dogs. In recent years the conflict has devolved in a series of nauseatingly cute brawls between the two factions, as well as a number of high profile bombings and arson attacks.
The Point Reyes Agreement outlines a “cute-sharing” accord between the two factions: Kittens will retain their historic monopoly on fuzziness, with a special exception allowed only for several breeds of dogs, including Pomeranians. As a concession, kittens have agreed to refrain from being adorably clumsy for a period of 10 years, after which puppies have agreed to allow them to fall down in a heap of tiger striped fuzz, not more than once per day and only on naturally slick surfaces, such as hardwood flooring. The Agreement also covers such contentious cute behaviors as face-licking (now puppies only), and plaintive whining or mewing (kittens only.) Snuggly gatherings of 6 or more baby animals in a wicker basket remains free to both kittens and puppies.
In return for these concessions, both sides have agreed to end their bitter armed struggle and the senseless doctrine of Mutually Adorable Destruction. EDW Lynch praised the baby animal factions for their measured and fair negotiation of the treaty, and “their itsy bitsy cold little noses.”