1. I’m an adorable girl and I’ve just received notice I have been selected for EDW Lynch Active Partner Management. What happens next?
First, review the Letter of Romantic Intent. This document outlines the EDW Lynch Partner Management experience as well as some critical clauses you should be aware of. Partnering is a unique opportunity to enjoy enhanced access to EDW Lynch, his rare collection of vintage cheeses, award-winning cooking, and his 900 foot jet propelled Zeppelin airship. However, with this opportunity comes certain addenda which modify your Preferred Rhombus™ account (aka “FRIENDSHIP”) with EDW Lynch, including but not limited to the following:
Should you ultimately decide not to pursue a Partnering Opportunity with EDW Lynch you forfeit your Preferred Rhombus account and agree to its cancellation. You also agree to hold EDW Lynch harmless should you experience any emotional injury due to any Moments of Awkwardness which may arise due to EDW Lynch’s actions or statements.
If you are agree to the terms described in the Letter, please sign and return, Attn: Partner Management.
2. Oh my god. That was so awkward. I think I have experienced an awkward moment with EDW Lynch. What do I do?
Most importantly, remain calm and do NOT refer to the Moment of Awkwardness (MOA.) At your earliest opportunity call the 24 hour MOA hotline number on the back of your Preferred Rhombus™ Member Card or email Partner Management. An Awkward Mitigation Team member will contact you to interview you and provide free counseling. Additionally, your Partner Management Case Manager will provide you with explanation of EDW Lynch’s intentions, if you found them to be bewildering or unclear.
3. Listen, you’re really interesting and surprisingly tall, but…let’s just be friends, ok?
No, not OK. Remember that the Letter of Romantic Intent specifically discloses that your Preferred Rhombus™ account can and will be canceled if you choose not to pursue this Partnering Opportunity with EDW Lynch. We have a very limited allocation in the EDW Lynch social portfolio for adorable platonic friends, and we do not foresee any openings for this position until Summer 2012.
If you still wish to throw away this unique EDW Lynch Partnering Opportunity, your Partner Management Case Manager will contact you to perform an exit interview. After this occurs, the Special Member Improvement Team will gain entry to your dwelling to remove any items which may belong to EDW Lynch and/or any photographs or videos of his likeness.
4. I’m 5/8ths Burmese and 3/8ths Icelandic and I have a rare brain disorder that makes me immune to awkwardness. What does EDW–
Email Partner Management with your location and the nearest 900 foot unimpeded open space and we will send a Zeppelin to you straight away.