1. I’m an adorable girl and I’ve just received notice I have been selected for EDW Lynch Active Part­ner Man­age­ment. What hap­pens next?

First, review the Let­ter of Roman­tic Intent. This doc­u­ment out­lines the EDW Lynch Part­ner Man­age­ment expe­ri­ence as well as some crit­i­cal clauses you should be aware of. Part­ner­ing is a unique oppor­tu­nity to enjoy enhanced access to EDW Lynch, his rare col­lec­tion of vin­tage cheeses, award-winning cook­ing, and his 900 foot jet pro­pelled Zep­pelin air­ship. How­ever, with this oppor­tu­nity comes cer­tain addenda which mod­ify your Pre­ferred Rhom­bus™ account (aka “FRIENDSHIP”) with EDW Lynch, includ­ing but not lim­ited to the following:

Should you ulti­mately decide not to pur­sue a Part­ner­ing Oppor­tu­nity with EDW Lynch you for­feit your Pre­ferred Rhom­bus account and agree to its can­cel­la­tion. You also agree to hold EDW Lynch harm­less should you expe­ri­ence any emo­tional injury due to any Moments of Awk­ward­ness which may arise due to EDW Lynch’s actions or statements.

If you are agree to the terms described in the Let­ter, please sign and return, Attn: Part­ner Management.

2. Oh my god. That was so awk­ward. I think I have expe­ri­enced an awk­ward moment with EDW Lynch. What do I do?

Most impor­tantly, remain calm and do NOT refer to the Moment of Awk­ward­ness (MOA.) At your ear­li­est oppor­tu­nity call the 24 hour MOA hot­line num­ber on the back of your Pre­ferred Rhom­bus™ Mem­ber Card or email Part­ner Man­age­ment. An Awk­ward Mit­i­ga­tion Team mem­ber will con­tact you to inter­view you and pro­vide free coun­sel­ing. Addi­tion­ally, your Part­ner Man­age­ment Case Man­ager will pro­vide you with expla­na­tion of EDW Lynch’s inten­tions, if you found them to be bewil­der­ing or unclear.

3. Lis­ten, you’re really inter­est­ing and sur­pris­ingly tall, but…let’s just be friends, ok?

No, not OK. Remem­ber that the Let­ter of Roman­tic Intent specif­i­cally dis­closes that your Pre­ferred Rhom­bus™ account can and will be can­celed if you choose not to pur­sue this Part­ner­ing Oppor­tu­nity with EDW Lynch. We have a very lim­ited allo­ca­tion in the EDW Lynch social port­fo­lio for adorable pla­tonic friends, and we do not fore­see any open­ings for this posi­tion until Sum­mer 2012.

If you still wish to throw away this unique EDW Lynch Part­ner­ing Oppor­tu­nity, your Part­ner Man­age­ment Case Man­ager will con­tact you to per­form an exit inter­view. After this occurs, the Spe­cial Mem­ber Improve­ment Team will gain entry to your dwelling to remove any items which may belong to EDW Lynch and/or any pho­tographs or videos of his likeness.

4. I’m 5/8ths Burmese and 3/8ths Ice­landic and I have a rare brain dis­or­der that makes me immune to awk­ward­ness. What does EDW–

Email Part­ner Man­age­ment with your loca­tion and the near­est 900 foot unim­peded open space and we will send a Zep­pelin to you straight away.