Awwwwwwkward.

“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION:
What is a Moment of Awkwardnesss?
–J., Portland, Oregon

THE ANSWER:

J., thanks for this great question. A lot of people want to know more about the term “Moment of Awkwardness,” or MOA.  First of all, it’s nothing to be afraid of. Moments of Awkwardness are a natural and regular byproduct of EDW Lynch social operations. Social awkwardness is a core competency of the EDW Lynch brand, and we strongly believe it is part of the manglomerate’s intrinsic charm, much in the same way that moldiness makes blue cheese so irresistible.

There are several categories of MOAs. The most common are:

• A misunderstanding–joke or obscure reference.
• Romantic intent (unexpected)
• Social gaffe

An MOA can range in severity from mild to extremely awkward.  EDW Lynch uses the metric “Awks per Meter” measurement (Awks/M), ranging from 1.0 to 11.0 Awks/M. Most MOAs are mild, rating at less than 3.0 Awks/M. Should an MOA exceed that threshold, two things will happen: we disclose the MOA via our public edwlynchcm twitter account and we dispatch our Awkward Mitigation Team (AMT).

The Awkward Mitigation Team
In 2005 EDW Lynch formed the Awkward Mitigation Team. The AMT consists of a 24 hour on-call team of professionals: lawyers, crisis managers, counselors, and dating experts.  Once an MOA has been detected, the AMT is dispatched to assess and respond. Very often a bit of education goes a long way in mitigating a moment of awkwardness. Usually a misunderstanding can be cleared up, or an obscure pop culture reference explained. On rare occasions, the MOA is so severe that the recipient may need to be counseled by our professionals or their Partner Management dating or Preferred Rhombus™ friend account may need to be terminated.

Once the Awkward Mitigation Team has responded to the Moment of Awkwardness, an SR1090 MOA Report is issued and filed for further study.

Social awkwardness is part of doing business with EDW Lynch. It’s our responsibility to respond to and mitigate these MOA’s with all of our corporate resources. And I assure you, nobody is more advanced in the creation and mitigation of social awkwardness than the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate.

EDW Lynch

DICTATED BUT NOT READ

SAN FRANCISCO–EDW Lynch announced Tuesday evening that the manglomerate’s Facebook friend holdings have experienced a slight correction. The smartsizing affected only a small proportion of EDW Lynch’s eFriendships.

During questioning by the international press, EDW Lynch addressed the extent of the smartsizing, the fate of the former friends, the sale of those friends to Freundebank, the 2008 Sub-Prime Friend Crisis, and a statement by former friend Melissa Wallace.

See the full text of the press release

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here</

A suspected DAMES agent. Note headscarf. Photo cc Timothy Wells

THE QUESTION: What is DAMES?
–F., New York

THE ANSWER:
DAMES is an international conspiracy of beautiful women committed to the destruction of EDW Lynch. Their campaign has been underway since my junior prom in 1999.

DAMES is an acronym for the Directorate of Adorable Madamoiselles Excelling in Seduction. They wear no uniforms though oftentimes are equipped with legwarmers and short pixie-like hair. Much has been said of the large proportion of Asian or part-Asian members, but this by no means is a requirement.

The primary goal of DAMES is to confuse, demoralize, and frustrate EDW Lynch by any means necessary. Adorableness is used as a weapon to achieve this goal. Confusingly ambiguous statements and nonverbal communications (e. g. “mixed signals”) provide a psychological warfare element that has been particularly effective against the manglomerate in the past. Let’s Just Be Friends ambushes are another frequent tactic.

Recent operations have been designed to encourage EDW Lynch to cause moments of awkwardness in social situations, after which the DAMES agent no longer returns phone calls or text messages. Suspected DAMES agents have been detected at San Francisco’s Dolores Park, local bars, cafés and at Beirut concerts.

To date, DAMES has not issued any demands or justification for the actions of its agents. Occasionally spokeswomen for the directorate have made vague statements regarding how EDW Lynch “should know why we’re mad,” but no further explanation has ever been offered.

It remains the official policy of EDW Lynch that we do not negotiate with DAMES.

We made a brief statement about DAMES during a recent press conference regarding a Let’s Just Be Friends incident.

EDW Lynch

DICTATED BUT NOT READ

VP of Partner Management, Jasmine Steel, Esq.

EDW Lynch has now been off San Francisco’s romantic market for 45 days. As a result active romantic operations continue to be at a standstill. We continue to closely monitor the market, and in particular the legwarmer and hapa indices for signs of a recovery from the romantic recession.

Romantic Outlook: Guarded

San Francisco’s romantic market continues to show signs of recession.  Attractiveness inequality in dating partnerships is particularly high; an alarming number of attractive women in San Francisco’s Mission neighborhood are paired with frumpy men with saggy pants and lumberjack beards. We look for to a correction in the market by the fall, at which point these women will reenter the dating pool.

New Position: Adam Andrews, Director of Romantic Operations

Adam Andrews, Director of Romantic Operations

He will also be in charge of the Awkward Mitigation Team, our 24 hour rapid response social crisis unit.

Jasmine Steel
Vice President of Partner Management

You have a new IceBreaker from [redacted]. Read it now! –OKCupid!

As Vice President of Partner Management, it is my duty to announce the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate categorically rejects this IceBreaker and refuses to read it now or at any time in the future. I present a number of reasons for this:

EDW Lynch expresses deep concern about the accuracy and utility of the OKCupid algorithm–and in particular the alarming number of women selected by the site who love rockclimbing and have large, frightening dogs.

The manglomerate has also publicly withdrawn from San Francisco’s romantic market. This includes the suspension of all official dating activities on OKCupid.

The IceBreaker feature of OKCupid prevents our Partner Management staff from visually verifying the attractiveness and/or intriguingly mixed ethnic heritage of the potential romantic opportunity in question. Nor is it possible to judge their social equity based upon the attractiveness of their friends and the interestingness of activities in which they take part. It is the online dating equivalent of a blind date, and EDW Lynch absolutely refuses to take part in any such dating paradigm.

Jasmine Steele
Vice President of Partner Management
EDW Lynch, CM

EDW Lynch, Corporate Manglomerate

As part of the EDW Lynch corporate manglomerate’s ongoing efforts to maintain an open dialogue with our stakeholders, we are proud to introduce Ask EDW, a regular feature that will allow the public to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* To ask a question, email edwlynch@edwlynch.com

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION: Can I date EDW Lynch?
–M., San Francisco

THE ANSWER:
First of all, I’d like to say a friendly corporate hello to our stakeholders and the general public.  Please don’t be alarmed by my use of the “first person.” In addition to being a corporate entity, I am also a man. I have feelings and opinions, just like you, except mine are wholly owned intellectual property of my corporate manglomerate. Confused? Don’t be. I am EDW Lynch, corporate manglomerate. EDW Lynch CM is me.

M., the short answer to your question is no, you cannot date me. The corporate manglomerate has been off the San Francisco romantic market since June 15th, 2010 (see our press conference announcing the departure.)

What does that mean? Well it certainly does NOT mean that EDW Lynch is currently in a relationship (in our parlance, a corporate partnership.) It means that we took a long hard look at market conditions in San Francisco, and on the advice of Jasmine Steel and our Partner Management team, decided to take the manglomerate, temporarily, off the romantic market. We did this for a variety of reasons, but mainly: the San Francisco romantic market is currently in recession and cannot support the premium position that EDW Lynch inhabits. Just look for the key indicators of a healthy romantic market: single women, returned text messages, legwarmers and armwarmers. You wont find them right now.

We’re looking forward to the end of this recession just as much as anyone. When market conditions improve, EDW Lynch will once again be listed as eligible. In the meanwhile, feel free to contact our Partner Management Division (partnermanagement@edwlynch.com) to discuss future partnering opportunities with EDW Lynch.

Meanwhile, sorry ladies.

Best,

EDW Lynch

SAN FRANCISCO–During a routine press conference EDW Lynch was confronted by heated questioning from members of the international press regarding an alleged “voicemail bombardment.” Due to the ongoing investigation by the Awkward Mitigation Team (AMT), EDW Lynch was unable to respond to specific questions regarding the alleged series of voicemails and text messages sent, allegedly, to an individual over the course of the weekend.

EDW Lynch did take the opportunity express regret for a 2004 incident in which 10 messages and phone calls were transmitted to a young woman in San Francisco. The manglomerate takes these matters very seriously and looks forward to the conclusion of the Awkward Mitigation Team’s investigation.

In other news, EDW Lynch has recently enjoyed the finest sandwich of this fiscal quarter. For the record, it was a Vietnamese Banh Mi.

See the full text of the press release

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

The Parent Company of EDW Lynch

The Parent Company of EDW Lynch has issued a statement supporting the manglomerate’s ongoing efforts during San Francisco’s romantic recession. Since 1982, managing partners Jennifer Lynch and Stephen Wagoner have been outspoken members of the EDW Lynch board of directors. As chairman of the board, EDW Lynch is pleased and honored to receive the ongoing support of the Parent Company, particularly in such a challenging environment. The statement by spokesmom Jennifer Lynch:

The parent company remains optimistic in spite of current bleak romantic market forecasts and thinks that a revision of market standards is not without merit, short hair indicators being overvalued in this downturn. Diversity, however, remains a company hallmark and an achievable goal in the San Francisco market.