Yelping With Cormac

A blog that answers the question on everyone’s minds: What if Cormac McCarthy was on Yelp? Answer: chaparral.

Yelping With Cormac has received recent eLove from Laughing Squid and The New Yorker | Book Bench blog.

EDW Lynch has once again saved the day, this time while leading the Easter Bunny’s security detail during the Sacred Rabbit’s state visit to San Francisco on Easter Sunday. An overzealous fan aggressively hugged the Bunny, but was quickly subdued by EDW Lynch and Santa’s Little Secret Service Agents.  See the full report on Operation Trojan Rabbit.

The first prong of this progress trident: a partnership between EDW Lynch and reasonably notorious blog Laughing Squid. I have been selected as the blog’s first Contributing Editor by Primary Tentacle, Scott Beale. This great honor marks the moment that–at last–I have ascended the throne to Internet luminary. I respectfully request that offers of free products and services be limited to those that will genuinely interest me. Also, I will return nothing.

The second prong of the progress trident is EDW Lynch Volume One, a vigorous and fancy-free writing blog in which I will embrace my inner Poe. Nothing shall be sacred on this intensely ambitious site.

The third prong of the progress trident is as yet unnamed, and so it shall remain a sharp barbed blade suitable for catching fish. Also it may involve comedy writing and performance.

And in other news, the corporate twitter account will be transitioned to my corporate iPhone, where I will lifecast my every mood, opinion, and health status change. Special thanks to the EDW Lynch twitter team; regrettably you’re fired.

To recap, the three prongs of the progress trident are Laughing Squid, EDW Lynch Volume One, and a sharp, barbed blade. Watch out, 2011.

DICTATED BUT NOT READ

EDW Lynch has released a public service video “Christmas is Certain” on behalf of Santa’s Little Secret Service.

SAN FRANCISCO–Celebrated humanitarian EDW Lynch has once again taken up the candy cane sword for Santa Claus. After last year’s victorious Operation Yule Storm, the North Pole asked EDW Lynch to command a joint security operation to protect Sleigh One: Operation Chimney Sweep. The December 4th mission was an unquestionable victory for Santa.

The full mission report can be found at the Santa’s Little Secret Service public information site.

SAN FRANCISCO–In a surprise statement to the press, EDW Lynch confirmed rumors that the manglomerate has selected a new Girlfriend and Chief Snuggle Officer (CSO.) While the Girlfriend was not present at the Amnesia Bar and Conference Center, Watkins & Fox auditor Dr. Art Yaghoubi was on hand to independently verify her existence and cuteness.

The selection of the new Chief Snuggle Officer fulfills a promise to the Parent Company to obtain a girlfriend by Thanksgiving, 2010. Due to the strict Kiss & Tell policy at the manglomerate, no further details on the Girlfriend are available at this time.

Read the full press release

See also:

EDW Lynch Now Accepting Romantic Applications
Press Conference: EDW Lynch Announces Reentry to Romantic Market

All EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

The international press questioned EDW Lynch regarding the use of alcohol in romantic operations, and the source of the savings in the health budget.

Read the press release.

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

Ladies? Photo by Esther del Rosario

The EDW Lynch corporate manglomerate is delighted to announce we are now accepting applications for our Fall romantic evaluation meeting (dating) season.

The manglomerate has been inundated by romantic inquiries ever since EDW Lynch announced our triumphant return to the San Francisco romantic market last week. Our easy to use dating application form will streamline the process of selecting qualified applicants for romantic evaluation meetings during Fall 2010.

Applicants are reminded that due to carbon footprint concerns, EDW Lynch will not travel outside of San Francisco for dating purposes. And while EDW Lynch particularly celebrates applicants of exotic and intriguingly mixed ethnic heritage, we do not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, or height, as per State and Federal statute.

Good Luck!

Apply Now! EDW Lynch Application for Romantic Evaluation Meeting

See also:
Press Conference: EDW Lynch Announces Reentry to Romantic Market

Press Conference: EDW Lynch Announces Departure from Romantic Market

SAN FRANCISCO–In a surprise announcement, Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch officially declared the manglomerate’s reentry into San Francisco’s romantic market.  The reentry marks the end of EDW Lynch’s three month hiatus from the market due to a “romantic recession.” Strong signs of a romantic market recovery detected by the manglomerate’s Partner Management experts were cited as the primary reason behind the move.

Bloggers have been reporting rumors of the EDW Lynch’s return to the romantic market repeatedly over the course of the first fiscal quarter, while some fans were beginning to despair that perhaps the hiatus would last into 2011.

During a question and answer session after the announcement, members of the international press asked EDW Lynch if a girl was behind the return to the romantic market, which the manglomerate would neither confirm nor deny due to its strict Kiss/Tell Policy.

Read the full press release

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

We have the most comprehensive Kiss/Tell Policy in the industry

“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION:
Does EDW Lynch kiss and tell?
–T., San Francisco, California

THE ANSWER:

Thank you T. for your great question.  A lot of people ask me, do I or my authorized signatories and assigns kiss and tell? If you attend a Romantic Evaluation Meeting (a. k. a. “a date”) with me, will it make it into an annual report or a press release?

In an era of increased privacy concerns these are very valid questions. I want to assure you T., that the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate has the most comprehensive Kiss/Tell Policy in the industry.

All EDW Lynch romantic operations are overseen by our expert staff in the Partner Management Division of our Social Resources Department. I can assure you that active Partner Management account files are vigorously encrypted and our account executives are mainly from Switzerland–widely regarded as the most discrete nation on the planet.

Our Kiss/Tell policy specifically forbids the sharing of any private information regarding any Girl In Question, that is to say, any woman who is actively dating or may potentially date me during the course of the fiscal year. If a GIQ is removed from active Partner Management, not only are her confidential files destroyed, but so are any of her personal effects that may remain in my posesssion (sorry, the auditors make me do it!)

There is, however, a point at which the privacy of a Girl In Question is superceded by the interests of our stakeholders–our shareholders, board members, and the public.  The selection and maintenance of an Official Muse to EDW Lynch (hereinafter “Girlfriend”) is part of the mission statement of the Corporate Manglomerate.  As a result, Federal accounting rules and auditing best practices require that we disclose whether or not EDW Lynch is in a steady, exclusive romantic relationship that may “substantially affect” the operations of the manglomerate.. However, these same rules and regulations provide a 90 day grace period, during which we may maintain confidentiality regarding the relationship.  So our Kiss/Tell Policy provides for this three month period, during which we do not disclose any ongoing romantic operations with a Girl In Question to either the public or the Parent Company.  Of course, the Romantic Advisory Board of the Partner Management Division is scrupulously informed of all activities, but those board members too must adhere to our Kiss/Tell Policy.

Okay, I realize that’s a lot to digest, T. from San Francisco. But you should be assured that if you were a Girl In Question (and I’m not under any circumstances implying or stating such a scenario), your secrets are safe with us…provided we are not required to disclose said secrets due to state or Federal statute or accounting best practices.

Also, T., please call your Partner Management account executive as soon as possible (ext. 6595)