The Par­ent Com­pany of EDW Lynch

The Par­ent Com­pany of EDW Lynch has issued a state­ment sup­port­ing the manglomerate’s ongo­ing efforts dur­ing San Francisco’s roman­tic reces­sion. Since 1982, man­ag­ing part­ners Jen­nifer Lynch and Stephen Wag­oner have been out­spo­ken mem­bers of the EDW Lynch board of direc­tors. As chair­man of the board, EDW Lynch is pleased and hon­ored to receive the ongo­ing sup­port of the Par­ent Com­pany, par­tic­u­larly in such a chal­leng­ing envi­ron­ment. The state­ment by spokesmom Jen­nifer Lynch:

The par­ent com­pany remains opti­mistic in spite of cur­rent bleak roman­tic mar­ket fore­casts and thinks that a revi­sion of mar­ket stan­dards is not with­out merit, short hair indi­ca­tors being over­val­ued in this down­turn. Diver­sity, how­ever, remains a com­pany hall­mark and an achiev­able goal in the San Fran­cisco market.

Effec­tive imme­di­ately all Poten­tial Roman­tic Oppor­tu­ni­ties will receive a LETTER of ROMANTIC INTENT, a bind­ing dis­clo­sure of EDW Lynch’s roman­tic intent towards their person.

Let­ter of Roman­tic Intent

Regards,

Part­ner Man­age­ment Department

REYKJAVIK– Social Resources Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto today acknowl­edged reports that a key pro­jec­tion of the Social Resources surge, the find­ing of an offi­cial muse by Christ­mas, has not yet been met.

“We have expe­ri­enced tem­po­rary oper­a­tional delays in the search for the half-Asian Amer­i­can Apparel™ model and muse for Sir E. D. W. which com­pels us to read­just our pro­jec­tions in this key social met­ric.” Tsar T. Argyle reas­sured the dig­ni­taries present at the revolv­ing Ice­land Kristall Restau­rant Ban­quet Cen­tre that the muse will be found “absolutely no later than the end of first fis­cal quar­ter 2008.”

The Social Tsar also out­lined in a vague and intrigu­ing man­ner the var­i­ous pro­grams cur­rently under­way as part of the ongo­ing surge, indi­cat­ing that they are “exten­sive, ongo­ing, and show­ing excit­ing results.” He would not, how­ever, com­ment on any specifics, nor on the sta­tus of another key goal of the surge, the meet­ing of Scar­lett Johans­son by Valentine’s day of 2008.