Ladies? Photo by Esther del Rosario

The EDW Lynch corporate manglomerate is delighted to announce we are now accepting applications for our Fall romantic evaluation meeting (dating) season.

The manglomerate has been inundated by romantic inquiries ever since EDW Lynch announced our triumphant return to the San Francisco romantic market last week. Our easy to use dating application form will streamline the process of selecting qualified applicants for romantic evaluation meetings during Fall 2010.

Applicants are reminded that due to carbon footprint concerns, EDW Lynch will not travel outside of San Francisco for dating purposes. And while EDW Lynch particularly celebrates applicants of exotic and intriguingly mixed ethnic heritage, we do not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, or height, as per State and Federal statute.

Good Luck!

Apply Now! EDW Lynch Application for Romantic Evaluation Meeting

See also:
Press Conference: EDW Lynch Announces Reentry to Romantic Market

Press Conference: EDW Lynch Announces Departure from Romantic Market

VP of Partner Management, Jasmine Steel, Esq.

EDW Lynch has now been off San Francisco’s romantic market for 45 days. As a result active romantic operations continue to be at a standstill. We continue to closely monitor the market, and in particular the legwarmer and hapa indices for signs of a recovery from the romantic recession.

Romantic Outlook: Guarded

San Francisco’s romantic market continues to show signs of recession.  Attractiveness inequality in dating partnerships is particularly high; an alarming number of attractive women in San Francisco’s Mission neighborhood are paired with frumpy men with saggy pants and lumberjack beards. We look for to a correction in the market by the fall, at which point these women will reenter the dating pool.

New Position: Adam Andrews, Director of Romantic Operations

Adam Andrews, Director of Romantic Operations

He will also be in charge of the Awkward Mitigation Team, our 24 hour rapid response social crisis unit.

Jasmine Steel
Vice President of Partner Management

You have a new IceBreaker from [redacted]. Read it now! –OKCupid!

As Vice President of Partner Management, it is my duty to announce the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate categorically rejects this IceBreaker and refuses to read it now or at any time in the future. I present a number of reasons for this:

EDW Lynch expresses deep concern about the accuracy and utility of the OKCupid algorithm–and in particular the alarming number of women selected by the site who love rockclimbing and have large, frightening dogs.

The manglomerate has also publicly withdrawn from San Francisco’s romantic market. This includes the suspension of all official dating activities on OKCupid.

The IceBreaker feature of OKCupid prevents our Partner Management staff from visually verifying the attractiveness and/or intriguingly mixed ethnic heritage of the potential romantic opportunity in question. Nor is it possible to judge their social equity based upon the attractiveness of their friends and the interestingness of activities in which they take part. It is the online dating equivalent of a blind date, and EDW Lynch absolutely refuses to take part in any such dating paradigm.

Jasmine Steele
Vice President of Partner Management
EDW Lynch, CM

The Parent Company of EDW Lynch

The Parent Company of EDW Lynch has issued a statement supporting the manglomerate’s ongoing efforts during San Francisco’s romantic recession. Since 1982, managing partners Jennifer Lynch and Stephen Wagoner have been outspoken members of the EDW Lynch board of directors. As chairman of the board, EDW Lynch is pleased and honored to receive the ongoing support of the Parent Company, particularly in such a challenging environment. The statement by spokesmom Jennifer Lynch:

The parent company remains optimistic in spite of current bleak romantic market forecasts and thinks that a revision of market standards is not without merit, short hair indicators being overvalued in this downturn. Diversity, however, remains a company hallmark and an achievable goal in the San Francisco market.

Letter of Romantic Intent

Regards,

Partner Management Department

“We have experienced temporary operational delays in the search for the half-Asian American Apparel™ model and muse for Sir E. D. W. which compels us to readjust our projections in this key social metric.” Tsar T. Argyle reassured the dignitaries present at the revolving Iceland Kristall Restaurant Banquet Centre that the muse will be found “absolutely no later than the end of first fiscal quarter 2008.”

The Social Tsar also outlined in a vague and intriguing manner the various programs currently underway as part of the ongoing surge, indicating that they are “extensive, ongoing, and showing exciting results.” He would not, however, comment on any specifics, nor on the status of another key goal of the surge, the meeting of Scarlett Johansson by Valentine’s day of 2008.

Some critics have tried to draw links between E. D. W.‘s return to Craigslist and an alleged reshuffling of the Preferred Rhombus™ member system. Most of those critics, however, have disappeared in recent weeks.

“The Office of E. D. W. Lynch has indeed contracted Watkins & Fox to review various aspects of the social resources surge. But let me be totally clear: under no circumstances do we ever make our Preferred Rhombus™ member information available to any outside parties,” said T. Argyle during the press conference at the Most Benign and Esteemed Sultan’s Pleasure Palace Hotel Six Star Resort on Palm Tree Islands in Dubai. “It would furthermore be irresponsible to imply that there’s anything wrong with the Preferred Rhombus™ system or any Preferred Rhombus™ members. We’re extremely proud of the high caliber of our members and we will vigorously defend any wildly inaccurate accusation or speculation regarding their character or their allegiance to E. D. W. Lynch and the values he represents.”

This statement comes amidst reports in the European tabloid press, attributed to “inside sources,” that E. D. W.’s vaunted member appreciation program has dropped its quality standards in order to “make the numbers” laid out by the social resources surge.

“Those so called insider reports are ridiculous,” insists T. Argyle. “Our evaluation process and our internal review system is constantly evolving to meet our needs.” Asked to elaborate, the Social Resources Tsar replied, “If you’re asking me to reveal our methods or internal procedures, well, I’m just not going to do that. There is absolutely an ‘E. D. W. Lynch Difference,’ and I would love right now to explain our process to you, but that information is a trade secret.”

T. Argyle closed by saying, “I’m deeply pleased with the ongoing progress of the social resources surge. Everyone at E. D. W. Lynch is focused on the surge and we simply have no further time to discuss these baseless rumors.“

SOCIAL RESOURCES SURGE REPORT

Sir E. D. W. Lynch, foreign dignitaries, and Preferred Rhombus™ members, thank you for the opportunity to provide my assessment of the social resources situation at E. D. W. Lynch LLC.

At the outset, I would  like to note that this is my speech.  Although I have briefed my assessment and recommendations to E. D. W. Lynch, I wrote this testimony myself.  It has not been cleared by, nor shared with, anyone at E. D. W. Lynch or any subsidiary companies.

As a bottom line up front, the social objectives of the surge are, in large measure, being met. In recent months we have seen unprecedented gains in social resources.  Preferred Rhombus™ membership has skyrocketed and the E. D. W. Lynch social schedule has been busier than ever.  The response from the public has been overwhelmingly positive and we have seen a marked decrease in the awkward moments, unreturned phone calls and text messages, and other key metrics of social dysfunction.  Hugs are up 400%, handshakes have increased tenfold, and the atmosphere surrounding the E. D. W. Lynch can only be characterized as barely contained adoration.

We have undertaken technological upgrades as part of this surge including a special strategic reserve of 400 text messages for social purposes.  Utilizing T9 text messaging protocol we an increased text messaging speed by 1200%.

Thanks to these outstanding gains I believe we will be able to substantially reduce the resources we have allocated to this social resources surge by early next year.  However, I recognize that the social situation is complex and continues to evolve,  and there is plenty of additional work to be done.

Some critics of this effort have mentioned that E. D. W. Lynch has not met some key goals; most notably our objective to meet Scarlett Johansson by Q3 of this year.  At this point I do not expect us to meet this objective but I am confident that E. D. W. Lynch will meet Scarlett Johansson by Valentine’s Day of 2008.

Additionally some have questioned the cost of the surge in terms of man hours and financial resources.  While it is true that the investment in the social resources surge has indeed been great, I feel strongly that the costs are justified by the success we have had and the success we project in the near future.

Looking forward,  I have some exciting new programs to further the goals of the surge.  In a collaboration with our Kultur Ja!  campaign,  E. D. W. Lynch will be taking key Preferred Rhombus™ members to various musical events throughout the Fall.  In the Spring of 2008 this program will be the hugely expanded to include the 75th Anniversary Repertory Season of San Francisco Ballet.

E. D. W. Lynch will continue to scour San Francisco for Preferred Rhombus Elite™ members.  Preferred Rhombus™ Member Services is prepared 24 hours a day to process these new members into the E. D. W. Lynch family.

I also expect a breakthrough in the key program of the surge: the search for a short-haired half-Asian American Apparel model and performance artist  to fulfill the role of Most Preferred Rhombus™ Member & Official Muse to E. D. W. Lynch. I am working round-the-clock with a go-team of top experts and consultants to forward this critical objective.  Special operations have been undertaken at local bars, parks, and other venues to increase brand awareness among our half-Asian target demographic.  While I cannot give specific details as to the nature of these operations, I am very confident we will find our Official Muse by Christmas of this year.

In closing, let me assure everyone that the ongoing social resources surge is succeeding and that the success is in large measure due to the core quality of our brand, E. D. W. Lynch.  The main issue is one of brand awareness and we have made great strides in this area already.  I ask only for your patience as we continue to capitalize on the gains we have already achieved and as we aggressively press onward toward objectives we have not yet met.  Oh yes, and money.  I will need essentially unlimited funds until the surge is complete, because the biggest mistake at this point would be to stop before we can fully leverage our achievements.  It has been an enormous honor and privilege to serve E. D. W. Lynch as Social Resources Tsar and I fully expect many great successes in the coming days and months.

Thank you very much.

“I have elected, voluntarily, to resign from my position due to, uh, personal reasons,” Skadden stated haltingly, flanked by Mr. Bronstein and what appeared to be an Israeli ex-Mossad agent. “While I will miss serving the E. D. W. Lynch family of companies, I will greatly enjoy my much needed vacation, which will last from 3 to infinity years,” he added.

E. D. W. Lynch was unable to attend the farewell conference due to a prior commitment in Dubai, but Mr. Bronstein read a brief statement on his behalf: “I thank Mr. Skadden for his years of service to E. D. W. Lynch. It is unfortunate he could not take part in the bold change in direction for the Social Resources department as part of ‘2007 Yes!’ I am, however, deeply pleased to announce that T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto has agreed to leave his post in the Legal Department to undertake the newly created position of Social Resources Czar.”

A New Orleans brass band played a funereal dirge as a dusty diesel Mercedes pulled up to the San Francisco E. D. W. Lynch headquarters. Mr. Bronstein and his unidentified assistant opened the trunk to the car and motioned for Mr. Skadden to get in. As the retired director climbed in, he stated “I am voluntarily getting into the trunk of this car.”