SAN FRANCISCO– Much to the alarm of Bay Area human­i­tar­ian fanciers, EDW Lynch led a high risk United Nations mis­sion to San Francisco’s Valentine’s Day Pil­low Fight. With absolutely no regard for his per­sonal safety, Com­man­der EDW Lynch, rep­re­sent­ing his adopted native coun­try Liecht­en­stein, com­manded an 18 per­son United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days (UNCCH) force. Empow­ered by UN Res­o­lu­tion 0190, they were tasked with vig­or­ously observ­ing the ram­pant pil­i­tancy at the Pil­low Fight.

The unpil­lowed force was pro­tected by Inter­na­tional Pil­low Law, which for­bids attacks on unpil­lowed observers. How­ever, the UNCCH mis­sion was repeat­edly ambushed by the 2,500 pil­i­tants, despite stren­u­ous pleas on the part of Com­man­der EDW Lynch to “please, just con­sider pil­low non-violence.”

Recent reports that claim EDW Lynch has been stricken with “pil­low lung” are wildly exaggerated.

SAN FRANCISCO-Each year around Decem­ber 25th the infa­mous Sol­stice Killer strikes San Fran­cisco, leav­ing a trail of vic­tims strewn on side­walks around the city. He is the only doc­u­mented Tree Ser­ial Killer and his motive is unknown. The details are dis­turb­ing: he des­tumpi­fies his vic­tims and then keeps them alive indoors. He dec­o­rates them with shiny objects, tin­sel, and lights. The vic­tims are always young conif­er­ous trees. Some­time after Decem­ber 25th he dumps the tree remains on the street.

EDW Lynch is a licensed Arbo­real Pathol­o­gist spe­cial­iz­ing in ser­ial arbo­ri­cide. He lent a hand as a team of detec­tives and foren­sics experts combed the Mis­sion in search of the elu­sive Sol­stice Killer.

Laugh­ing Squid Coverage

Dis­turb­ing Crime Scene Photos

SAN FRANCISCO– In the most dan­ger­ous mis­sion yet for the United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days, Sir E. D. W. led a small observer force deep into the mas­sive Valentine’s Day Pil­low Fight in Justin Her­mann Plaza.

Despite inter­na­tional pil­low law which for­bids attack­ing unpil­lowed observers, the UNCCH detach­ment was repeat­edly ambushed by pil­lowed insur­gents as the brave observers sought to defuse the pil­low brawl. Pam­phlets encour­ag­ing pil­low non vio­lence were dis­trib­uted and uni­ver­sally ignored.

In remarks to var­i­ous news orga­ni­za­tions at the scene, Sir E. D. W. called for a “larger and bet­ter pro­tected observer mis­sion for next year with a strength­ened man­date with rules of engage­ment per­mit­ting defen­sive pil­low deployment.”

The United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days exploits were widely reported and photographed.

Pho­tos can be found at the UNCCH Flickr page.