EDW Lynch has once again saved the day, this time while leading the Easter Bunny’s security detail during the Sacred Rabbit’s state visit to San Francisco on Easter Sunday. An overzealous fan aggressively hugged the Bunny, but was quickly subdued by EDW Lynch and Santa’s Little Secret Service Agents.  See the full report on Operation Trojan Rabbit.

SAN FRANCISCO–Celebrated humanitarian EDW Lynch has once again taken up the candy cane sword for Santa Claus. After last year’s victorious Operation Yule Storm, the North Pole asked EDW Lynch to command a joint security operation to protect Sleigh One: Operation Chimney Sweep. The December 4th mission was an unquestionable victory for Santa.

The full mission report can be found at the Santa’s Little Secret Service public information site.

UN Commander EDW Lynch boldly confronts cardboard tube militants

SAN FRANCISCO– In yet another example of his selfless humanitarian spirit, EDW Lynch led a United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission monitoring mission to Hayes Valley Farm.

Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing. While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.

EDW Lynch responded to concerns about his personal safety by noting that “the work of the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission is dangerous but necessary. I will continue to heed the call of international humanitarianism, provided that call comes from somewhere in the San Francisco Bay Area.”

EDW Lynch has expressed a vigorously anti-Hate position for years, even during the late ’90’s when Hate experienced a brief popularity due to the rise of reality television.

As part of his anti-Hate advocacy, EDW Lynch formally entered the inner sanctum of the Internet with his inaugural post on noted weird-positive online journal, Laughing Squid: God Hates Twitter: Westboro Baptist Church Plans Protest at Twitter Headquarters

On Thursday and Friday, San Francisco and Palo Alto monkey stomped on Westboro in a series of baffling and spirited fauxtests. EDW Lynch formally invites Westboro to return to San Francisco with the following promise: “Next time we will bring clowns.”

Coverage of the Twitter counter fauxtest by EDW Lynch corporate friend Geeked Info.

In a departure from his civilian consulting for Santa’s Little Secret Service, EDW Lynch served this December in Santa’s Own 12th Nutcracker Regiment. Citing his deep commitment to “Christmas Certainty” (the North Pole policy to ensure Christmas occurs each year, and everywhere), Captain EDW “Pine Nut” Lynch armed himself with a candy cane pistol and led Operation Yule Storm into San Francisco on December 12th. The mission: escort the yearly Santacon with extreme prejudice.

A spokeswoman for EDW Lynch declined to comment specifically on the matter citing “security, confidentiality and other concerns.” However, as commander of Santa’s Little Secret Service, EDW Lynch is empowered by the Office of the Santa to protect special dignitaries including the Easter Bunny.

Speculation on the Easter Bunny’s route in San Francisco is rampant and many observers expect the famous rabbit to appear at the Sister’s of Perpetual Indulgence 30th Anniversary celebration. A spokesbunny for the Easter Bunny refused to provide details of the Easter itinerary.

The unpillowed force was protected by International Pillow Law, which forbids attacks on unpillowed observers. However, the UNCCH mission was repeatedly ambushed by the 2,500 pilitants, despite strenuous pleas on the part of Commander EDW Lynch to “please, just consider pillow non-violence.”

Recent reports that claim EDW Lynch has been stricken with “pillow lung” are wildly exaggerated.

EDW Lynch is a licensed Arboreal Pathologist specializing in serial arboricide. He lent a hand as a team of detectives and forensics experts combed the Mission in search of the elusive Solstice Killer.

Laughing Squid Coverage

Disturbing Crime Scene Photos

Despite international pillow law which forbids attacking unpillowed observers, the UNCCH detachment was repeatedly ambushed by pillowed insurgents as the brave observers sought to defuse the pillow brawl. Pamphlets encouraging pillow non violence were distributed and universally ignored.

In remarks to various news organizations at the scene, Sir E. D. W. called for a “larger and better protected observer mission for next year with a strengthened mandate with rules of engagement permitting defensive pillow deployment.”

The United Nations Commission on Costumes & Holidays exploits were widely reported and photographed.

Photos can be found at the UNCCH Flickr page.

The UN Mission was without a doubt E. D. W. Lynch’s most bold operation to date, with some 18 peacekeepers and inspectors representing literally tens of member nations. And for the first time, E. D. W. proudly wore the flag of Liechtenstein, which may or may not be the source of his knightly title.*

Please note photographs at the official Flickr home of the UNCCH

*Hans Adam II–call me!