Hold on to your butts!
SAN FRANCISCO– Elusive humanitarian and impeccable speller EDW Lynch touched down today at San Francisco’s Crissy Field in his Gulfstream 500 after a successful year of doing things.
In the Spring, EDW Lynch took on the solemn mantle of selfless humanitarian as he led a badly outnumbered United Nations Commission on Costumes and Holidays (UNCCH) mission to San Francisco’s Pillow Fight. The multinational force was also deployed this summer to curb “tube violence” by the Cardboard Tube Fighting League.
With the Summer Olympics approaching, EDW Lynch leapt to action to provide security for the beleaguered Olympic Torch at the 2008 Bay to Breakers.
EDW Lynch proved his curiously charismatic virtuosity this Fall by producing two brilliant video works for San Francisco Ballet’s Green Team volunteers:
And as winter approached EDW Lynch departed for an undisclosed location to provide unspecified support for the 2008 San Francisco Santacon. When Santa arrived on December 13, he was met by the mysteriously familiar Agent Partridge in a Pear Tree and his stoic band of highly professional elves from Santa’s Little Secret Service. Special guest Jesus Christ arrived just in time to accept SLSS protection during Jesus Christ’s visit to the Westfield Shopping Center.
Additional coverage of Santa’s Little Secret Service on Laughing Squid.
OSLO– EDW Lynch Social Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto quieted months of speculation today by officially announcing a major sell off of sub-prime friend assets. The sale is part of a social restructuring managed by outside consultant Watkins & Fox.
“Due to current social market conditions and in particular, rampant friend inflation, EDW Lynch has agreed to sell approximately 55 percent of its Preferred Rhombus™ member holdings to Social Equity Investment,” announced Funston-Nakamoto at the Oslo Nordic Arts Center and Smörgåsbord. Social Equity Investments Ltd., a partnership of Zürich-based Freundebank GmBH and Dubai-based social hedge fund Desert Diamond Partners, noted in a statement that they are “deeply pleased” to add the former Preferred Rhombus™ members to their investment portfolio and “predict strong gains in these value-added friend opportunities.” The partnership purchased the members as Growth Positive Friend Securities, which means they will be taking on all debts and liabilities of those friendships, such as unreturned text messages, borrowed clothing items, or personality downturns.
Tsar Funston-Nakamoto said the landmark sale would have “no effect whatsoever” on the ongoing work of the Social Surge, now entering its second year.