Hold on to your butts!

SAN FRANCISCO– Elu­sive human­i­tar­ian and impec­ca­ble speller EDW Lynch touched down today at San Francisco’s Crissy Field in his Gulf­stream 500 after a suc­cess­ful year of doing things.

In the Spring, EDW Lynch took on the solemn man­tle of self­less human­i­tar­ian as he led a badly out­num­bered United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes and Hol­i­days (UNCCH) mis­sion to San Francisco’s Pil­low Fight. The multi­na­tional force was also deployed this sum­mer to curb “tube vio­lence” by the Card­board Tube Fight­ing League.

With the Sum­mer Olympics approach­ing, EDW Lynch leapt to action to pro­vide secu­rity for the belea­guered Olympic Torch at the 2008 Bay to Break­ers.

EDW Lynch proved his curi­ously charis­matic vir­tu­os­ity this Fall by pro­duc­ing two bril­liant video works for San Fran­cisco Ballet’s Green Team volunteers:

Green Jete I
and Green Jete II: GREEN ALERT

And as win­ter approached EDW Lynch departed for an undis­closed loca­tion to pro­vide unspec­i­fied sup­port for the 2008 San Fran­cisco San­ta­con. When Santa arrived on Decem­ber 13, he was met by the mys­te­ri­ously famil­iar Agent Par­tridge in a Pear Tree and his stoic band of highly pro­fes­sional elves from Santa’s Lit­tle Secret Ser­vice. Spe­cial guest Jesus Christ arrived just in time to accept SLSS pro­tec­tion dur­ing Jesus Christ’s visit to the West­field Shop­ping Center.

Addi­tional cov­er­age of Santa’s Lit­tle Secret Ser­vice on Laugh­ing Squid.

OSLO– EDW Lynch Social Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto qui­eted months of spec­u­la­tion today by offi­cially announc­ing a major sell off of sub-prime friend assets. The sale is part of a social restruc­tur­ing man­aged by out­side con­sul­tant Watkins & Fox.

“Due to cur­rent social mar­ket con­di­tions and in par­tic­u­lar, ram­pant friend infla­tion, EDW Lynch has agreed to sell approx­i­mately 55 per­cent of its Pre­ferred Rhom­bus™ mem­ber hold­ings to Social Equity Invest­ment,” announced Funston-Nakamoto at the Oslo Nordic Arts Cen­ter and Smörgås­bord. Social Equity Invest­ments Ltd., a part­ner­ship of Zürich-based Fre­un­de­bank GmBH and Dubai-based social hedge fund Desert Dia­mond Part­ners, noted in a state­ment that they are “deeply pleased” to add the for­mer Pre­ferred Rhom­bus™ mem­bers to their invest­ment port­fo­lio and “pre­dict strong gains in these value-added friend oppor­tu­ni­ties.” The part­ner­ship pur­chased the mem­bers as Growth Pos­i­tive Friend Secu­ri­ties, which means they will be tak­ing on all debts and lia­bil­i­ties of those friend­ships, such as unre­turned text mes­sages, bor­rowed cloth­ing items, or per­son­al­ity downturns.

Tsar Funston-Nakamoto said the land­mark sale would have “no effect what­so­ever” on the ongo­ing work of the Social Surge, now enter­ing its sec­ond year.