Yelping With Cormac

A blog that answers the question on everyone’s minds: What if Cormac McCarthy was on Yelp? Answer: chaparral.

Yelping With Cormac has received recent eLove from Laughing Squid and The New Yorker | Book Bench blog.

The first prong of this progress trident: a partnership between EDW Lynch and reasonably notorious blog Laughing Squid. I have been selected as the blog’s first Contributing Editor by Primary Tentacle, Scott Beale. This great honor marks the moment that–at last–I have ascended the throne to Internet luminary. I respectfully request that offers of free products and services be limited to those that will genuinely interest me. Also, I will return nothing.

The second prong of the progress trident is EDW Lynch Volume One, a vigorous and fancy-free writing blog in which I will embrace my inner Poe. Nothing shall be sacred on this intensely ambitious site.

The third prong of the progress trident is as yet unnamed, and so it shall remain a sharp barbed blade suitable for catching fish. Also it may involve comedy writing and performance.

And in other news, the corporate twitter account will be transitioned to my corporate iPhone, where I will lifecast my every mood, opinion, and health status change. Special thanks to the EDW Lynch twitter team; regrettably you’re fired.

To recap, the three prongs of the progress trident are Laughing Squid, EDW Lynch Volume One, and a sharp, barbed blade. Watch out, 2011.

DICTATED BUT NOT READ

Kittens and Puppies at last see eye to eye. Photo cc Sarah Jones

SAN FRANCISCO–Ending months of speculation into his whereabouts, EDW Lynch emerged from self-imposed isolation to reveal his behind-the-scenes role in ending centuries of hatred and violence between kittens and puppies. EDW announced the historic Point Reyes Agreement Between Kittens and Puppies at his San Francisco corporate headquarters before representatives of the international humanitarian press and about 250 baby animals.

“At long last, the senseless war between tiny, fuzzy kittens and happy, clumsy little puppies is over,” intoned EDW Lynch as he posed between a 6 week-old Maine Coon kitten and a 3 week-old Dachsund puppy, grasping a tiny paw in each hand. Moments later, ten fuzzy mewing little kittens and ten goofy silly little puppies ratified the agreement by paw print. Members of the press spontaneously erupted in a pained “awwwwww,” though one journalist briefly lost consciousness due to the sheer volume of adorableness and was rushed to a nearby hospital.

The Point Reyes Agreement formalizes a cessation of hostilities in a war of cuteness that has spanned centuries.  The treaty is the product of months of tense negotiations at an undisclosed facility in Point Reyes, California. EDW Lynch served as a back-channel liaison, hosting the secret negotiations at a time when the baby animal partisans were still publicly calling for each other’s destruction.

Centuries of senselessly adorable brawling

Kittens, long prized for their unbearable fuzziness, have condemned increasing levels of puppy fuzziness, particularly among small “toy” dogs.  Puppies meanwhile have engaged in centuries long armed struggle against what they believe is an unacceptable rise in kitten clumsiness, historically a trait most often found in roly poly puppy dogs.  In recent years the conflict has devolved in a series of nauseatingly cute brawls between the two factions, as well as a number of high profile bombings and arson attacks.

The Point Reyes Agreement outlines a “cute-sharing” accord between the two factions: Kittens will retain their historic monopoly on fuzziness, with a special exception allowed only for several breeds of dogs, including Pomeranians. As a concession, kittens have agreed to refrain from being adorably clumsy for a period of 10 years, after which puppies have agreed to allow them to fall down in a heap of tiger striped fuzz, not more than once per day and only on naturally slick surfaces, such as hardwood flooring.  The Agreement also covers such contentious cute behaviors as face-licking (now puppies only), and plaintive whining or mewing (kittens only.) Snuggly gatherings of 6 or more baby animals in a wicker basket remains free to both kittens and puppies.

In return for these concessions, both sides have agreed to end their bitter armed struggle and the senseless doctrine of Mutually Adorable Destruction. EDW Lynch praised the baby animal factions for their measured and fair negotiation of the treaty, and “their itsy bitsy cold little noses.”

Quaking and shivering, they tumble into a brave new world. Photo cc kmevans

In the Spring, EDW Lynch took on the solemn mantle of selfless humanitarian as he led a badly outnumbered United Nations Commission on Costumes and Holidays (UNCCH) mission to San Francisco’s Pillow Fight. The multinational force was also deployed this summer to curb “tube violence” by the Cardboard Tube Fighting League.

With the Summer Olympics approaching, EDW Lynch leapt to action to provide security for the beleaguered Olympic Torch at the 2008 Bay to Breakers.

EDW Lynch proved his curiously charismatic virtuosity this Fall by producing two brilliant video works for San Francisco Ballet’s Green Team volunteers:

Green Jete I
and Green Jete II: GREEN ALERT

And as winter approached EDW Lynch departed for an undisclosed location to provide unspecified support for the 2008 San Francisco Santacon. When Santa arrived on December 13, he was met by the mysteriously familiar Agent Partridge in a Pear Tree and his stoic band of highly professional elves from Santa’s Little Secret Service. Special guest Jesus Christ arrived just in time to accept SLSS protection during Jesus Christ’s visit to the Westfield Shopping Center.

Additional coverage of Santa’s Little Secret Service on Laughing Squid.

“Due to current social market conditions and in particular, rampant friend inflation, EDW Lynch has agreed to sell approximately 55 percent of its Preferred Rhombus™ member holdings to Social Equity Investment,” announced Funston-Nakamoto at the Oslo Nordic Arts Center and Smörgåsbord. Social Equity Investments Ltd., a partnership of Zürich-based Freundebank GmBH and Dubai-based social hedge fund Desert Diamond Partners, noted in a statement that they are “deeply pleased” to add the former Preferred Rhombus™ members to their investment portfolio and “predict strong gains in these value-added friend opportunities.” The partnership purchased the members as Growth Positive Friend Securities, which means they will be taking on all debts and liabilities of those friendships, such as unreturned text messages, borrowed clothing items, or personality downturns.

Tsar Funston-Nakamoto said the landmark sale would have “no effect whatsoever” on the ongoing work of the Social Surge, now entering its second year.

Humanitarian Fancy hinted that among the 2008 programs, a “stage 2″ of 2007’s ongoing Social Surge is imminent and will “be bold and unprecedented.” Social Resources Tsar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto was unavailable for comment, but an assistant noted that he is “very busy with the ongoing work of the surge.”

In other news, Melvin Mumps, gossip columnist for Humanitarian Fancy magazine has gone missing in Zürich after witnesses say he was “playfully shoved” into an unmarked panel van.

“We’ve developed the email through Mark II status, but we cannot technically call the Mark II a true smart email. The Mark III Phoenix ‘Roomseeker’ will be have modular upgrades for different neighborhoods as well as enhancements that will detect and avoid passive aggressive living situations. The payload will be light and witty with a hardened subject-line warhead that will smash through all known email filters, while releasing countermeasures that will garble competing roomseeking emails by randomly adding childhood cursewords to them.”

The smart email is under final stages of development and is nearing its first live test. Mr. Bronstein declined to say where exactly the test would take place, saying only that “the first deployment will probably be at a top floor apartment in a gingerbread Victorian with laundry and a working fireplace, somewhere near Dolores Park.”

At a hastily arranged press conference, spokesman Myron Bronstein responded to the accusations unequivocally, calling them “absolutely ridiculous.” Asked by reporters if this was a denial of the charges, Bronstein elaborated, “what I am saying here clearly and for the record is that the allegations are ridiculous and I refuse to respond to them.” When confronted with alleged receipts from a Bay Area Walgreens for a generic bee’s wax lip balm signed allegedly by Sir E. D. W. Lynch with his trademark gold ink pen, Bronstein stated, “I’ve already responded to these wild allegations and if you think waving some so-called receipt is going to elicit further response from me you are simply mistaken.”

Sir E. D. W. Lynch was unavailable for comment as he is currently “resting at a rejuvenation facility in the Swiss Alps,” according to information from his website.

“The Office of E. D. W. Lynch has indeed contracted Watkins & Fox to review various aspects of the social resources surge. But let me be totally clear: under no circumstances do we ever make our Preferred Rhombus™ member information available to any outside parties,” said T. Argyle during the press conference at the Most Benign and Esteemed Sultan’s Pleasure Palace Hotel Six Star Resort on Palm Tree Islands in Dubai. “It would furthermore be irresponsible to imply that there’s anything wrong with the Preferred Rhombus™ system or any Preferred Rhombus™ members. We’re extremely proud of the high caliber of our members and we will vigorously defend any wildly inaccurate accusation or speculation regarding their character or their allegiance to E. D. W. Lynch and the values he represents.”

This statement comes amidst reports in the European tabloid press, attributed to “inside sources,” that E. D. W.’s vaunted member appreciation program has dropped its quality standards in order to “make the numbers” laid out by the social resources surge.

“Those so called insider reports are ridiculous,” insists T. Argyle. “Our evaluation process and our internal review system is constantly evolving to meet our needs.” Asked to elaborate, the Social Resources Tsar replied, “If you’re asking me to reveal our methods or internal procedures, well, I’m just not going to do that. There is absolutely an ‘E. D. W. Lynch Difference,’ and I would love right now to explain our process to you, but that information is a trade secret.”

T. Argyle closed by saying, “I’m deeply pleased with the ongoing progress of the social resources surge. Everyone at E. D. W. Lynch is focused on the surge and we simply have no further time to discuss these baseless rumors.“