EDW Lynch is proud to announce the first major off­shoot of the EDW Lynch, Vol­ume One writ­ing blog:

Yelp­ing With Cormac

A blog that answers the ques­tion on everyone’s minds: What if Cor­mac McCarthy was on Yelp? Answer: chap­ar­ral.

Yelp­ing With Cor­mac has received recent eLove from Laugh­ing Squid and The New Yorker | Book Bench blog.

FROM THE DESK OF EDW LYNCH–In 2010 I left the roman­tic mar­ket only to surge back with the sur­prise hire of a Chief Snug­gle Offi­cer. Since then our PR depart­ment has been mostly silent. That’s because I’m work­ing on my next great gift to human­ity: my impres­sive mas­tery of words. As newly minted Word­mas­ter, I will wield a tri­dent of progress in 2011 and noth­ing shall be safe from my high degree of excellence.

The first prong of this progress tri­dent: a part­ner­ship between EDW Lynch and rea­son­ably noto­ri­ous blog Laugh­ing Squid. I have been selected as the blog’s first Con­tribut­ing Edi­tor by Pri­mary Ten­ta­cle, Scott Beale. This great honor marks the moment that–at last–I have ascended the throne to Inter­net lumi­nary. I respect­fully request that offers of free prod­ucts and ser­vices be lim­ited to those that will gen­uinely inter­est me. Also, I will return nothing.

The sec­ond prong of the progress tri­dent is EDW Lynch Vol­ume One, a vig­or­ous and fancy-free writ­ing blog in which I will embrace my inner Poe. Noth­ing shall be sacred on this intensely ambi­tious site.

The third prong of the progress tri­dent is as yet unnamed, and so it shall remain a sharp barbed blade suit­able for catch­ing fish. Also it may involve com­edy writ­ing and performance.

And in other news, the cor­po­rate twit­ter account will be tran­si­tioned to my cor­po­rate iPhone, where I will life­cast my every mood, opin­ion, and health sta­tus change. Spe­cial thanks to the EDW Lynch twit­ter team; regret­tably you’re fired.

To recap, the three prongs of the progress tri­dent are Laugh­ing Squid, EDW Lynch Vol­ume One, and a sharp, barbed blade. Watch out, 2011.

DICTATED BUT NOT READ

Kit­tens and Pup­pies at last see eye to eye. Photo cc Sarah Jones

SAN FRANCISCO–Ending months of spec­u­la­tion into his where­abouts, EDW Lynch emerged from self-imposed iso­la­tion to reveal his behind-the-scenes role in end­ing cen­turies of hatred and vio­lence between kit­tens and pup­pies. EDW announced the his­toric Point Reyes Agree­ment Between Kit­tens and Pup­pies at his San Fran­cisco cor­po­rate head­quar­ters before rep­re­sen­ta­tives of the inter­na­tional human­i­tar­ian press and about 250 baby animals.

“At long last, the sense­less war between tiny, fuzzy kit­tens and happy, clumsy lit­tle pup­pies is over,” intoned EDW Lynch as he posed between a 6 week-old Maine Coon kit­ten and a 3 week-old Dachsund puppy, grasp­ing a tiny paw in each hand. Moments later, ten fuzzy mew­ing lit­tle kit­tens and ten goofy silly lit­tle pup­pies rat­i­fied the agree­ment by paw print. Mem­bers of the press spon­ta­neously erupted in a pained “awwwwww,” though one jour­nal­ist briefly lost con­scious­ness due to the sheer vol­ume of adorable­ness and was rushed to a nearby hospital.

The Point Reyes Agree­ment for­mal­izes a ces­sa­tion of hos­til­i­ties in a war of cute­ness that has spanned cen­turies.  The treaty is the prod­uct of months of tense nego­ti­a­tions at an undis­closed facil­ity in Point Reyes, Cal­i­for­nia. EDW Lynch served as a back-channel liai­son, host­ing the secret nego­ti­a­tions at a time when the baby ani­mal par­ti­sans were still pub­licly call­ing for each other’s destruction.

Cen­turies of sense­lessly adorable brawling

Kit­tens, long prized for their unbear­able fuzzi­ness, have con­demned increas­ing lev­els of puppy fuzzi­ness, par­tic­u­larly among small “toy” dogs.  Pup­pies mean­while have engaged in cen­turies long armed strug­gle against what they believe is an unac­cept­able rise in kit­ten clum­si­ness, his­tor­i­cally a trait most often found in roly poly puppy dogs.  In recent years the con­flict has devolved in a series of nau­se­at­ingly cute brawls between the two fac­tions, as well as a num­ber of high pro­file bomb­ings and arson attacks.

The Point Reyes Agree­ment out­lines a “cute-sharing” accord between the two fac­tions: Kit­tens will retain their his­toric monop­oly on fuzzi­ness, with a spe­cial excep­tion allowed only for sev­eral breeds of dogs, includ­ing Pomera­ni­ans. As a con­ces­sion, kit­tens have agreed to refrain from being adorably clumsy for a period of 10 years, after which pup­pies have agreed to allow them to fall down in a heap of tiger striped fuzz, not more than once per day and only on nat­u­rally slick sur­faces, such as hard­wood floor­ing.  The Agree­ment also cov­ers such con­tentious cute behav­iors as face-licking (now pup­pies only), and plain­tive whin­ing or mew­ing (kit­tens only.) Snug­gly gath­er­ings of 6 or more baby ani­mals in a wicker bas­ket remains free to both kit­tens and puppies.

In return for these con­ces­sions, both sides have agreed to end their bit­ter armed strug­gle and the sense­less doc­trine of Mutu­ally Adorable Destruc­tion. EDW Lynch praised the baby ani­mal fac­tions for their mea­sured and fair nego­ti­a­tion of the treaty, and “their itsy bitsy cold lit­tle noses.”

Quak­ing and shiv­er­ing, they tum­ble into a brave new world. Photo cc kmevans