Kit­tens and Pup­pies at last see eye to eye. Photo cc Sarah Jones

SAN FRANCISCO–Ending months of spec­u­la­tion into his where­abouts, EDW Lynch emerged from self-imposed iso­la­tion to reveal his behind-the-scenes role in end­ing cen­turies of hatred and vio­lence between kit­tens and pup­pies. EDW announced the his­toric Point Reyes Agree­ment Between Kit­tens and Pup­pies at his San Fran­cisco cor­po­rate head­quar­ters before rep­re­sen­ta­tives of the inter­na­tional human­i­tar­ian press and about 250 baby animals.

“At long last, the sense­less war between tiny, fuzzy kit­tens and happy, clumsy lit­tle pup­pies is over,” intoned EDW Lynch as he posed between a 6 week-old Maine Coon kit­ten and a 3 week-old Dachsund puppy, grasp­ing a tiny paw in each hand. Moments later, ten fuzzy mew­ing lit­tle kit­tens and ten goofy silly lit­tle pup­pies rat­i­fied the agree­ment by paw print. Mem­bers of the press spon­ta­neously erupted in a pained “awwwwww,” though one jour­nal­ist briefly lost con­scious­ness due to the sheer vol­ume of adorable­ness and was rushed to a nearby hospital.

The Point Reyes Agree­ment for­mal­izes a ces­sa­tion of hos­til­i­ties in a war of cute­ness that has spanned cen­turies.  The treaty is the prod­uct of months of tense nego­ti­a­tions at an undis­closed facil­ity in Point Reyes, Cal­i­for­nia. EDW Lynch served as a back-channel liai­son, host­ing the secret nego­ti­a­tions at a time when the baby ani­mal par­ti­sans were still pub­licly call­ing for each other’s destruction.

Cen­turies of sense­lessly adorable brawling

Kit­tens, long prized for their unbear­able fuzzi­ness, have con­demned increas­ing lev­els of puppy fuzzi­ness, par­tic­u­larly among small “toy” dogs.  Pup­pies mean­while have engaged in cen­turies long armed strug­gle against what they believe is an unac­cept­able rise in kit­ten clum­si­ness, his­tor­i­cally a trait most often found in roly poly puppy dogs.  In recent years the con­flict has devolved in a series of nau­se­at­ingly cute brawls between the two fac­tions, as well as a num­ber of high pro­file bomb­ings and arson attacks.

The Point Reyes Agree­ment out­lines a “cute-sharing” accord between the two fac­tions: Kit­tens will retain their his­toric monop­oly on fuzzi­ness, with a spe­cial excep­tion allowed only for sev­eral breeds of dogs, includ­ing Pomera­ni­ans. As a con­ces­sion, kit­tens have agreed to refrain from being adorably clumsy for a period of 10 years, after which pup­pies have agreed to allow them to fall down in a heap of tiger striped fuzz, not more than once per day and only on nat­u­rally slick sur­faces, such as hard­wood floor­ing.  The Agree­ment also cov­ers such con­tentious cute behav­iors as face-licking (now pup­pies only), and plain­tive whin­ing or mew­ing (kit­tens only.) Snug­gly gath­er­ings of 6 or more baby ani­mals in a wicker bas­ket remains free to both kit­tens and puppies.

In return for these con­ces­sions, both sides have agreed to end their bit­ter armed strug­gle and the sense­less doc­trine of Mutu­ally Adorable Destruc­tion. EDW Lynch praised the baby ani­mal fac­tions for their mea­sured and fair nego­ti­a­tion of the treaty, and “their itsy bitsy cold lit­tle noses.”

Quak­ing and shiv­er­ing, they tum­ble into a brave new world. Photo cc kmevans

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