SAN FRANCISCO–In a surprise statement to the press, EDW Lynch confirmed rumors that the manglomerate has selected a new Girlfriend and Chief Snuggle Officer (CSO.) While the Girlfriend was not present at the Amnesia Bar and Conference Center, Watkins & Fox auditor Dr. Art Yaghoubi was on hand to independently verify her existence and cuteness.

The selection of the new Chief Snuggle Officer fulfills a promise to the Parent Company to obtain a girlfriend by Thanksgiving, 2010. Due to the strict Kiss & Tell policy at the manglomerate, no further details on the Girlfriend are available at this time.

Read the full press release

See also:

EDW Lynch Now Accepting Romantic Applications
Press Conference: EDW Lynch Announces Reentry to Romantic Market

All EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

The international press questioned EDW Lynch regarding the use of alcohol in romantic operations, and the source of the savings in the health budget.

Read the press release.

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

SAN FRANCISCO–In a surprise announcement, Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch officially declared the manglomerate’s reentry into San Francisco’s romantic market.  The reentry marks the end of EDW Lynch’s three month hiatus from the market due to a “romantic recession.” Strong signs of a romantic market recovery detected by the manglomerate’s Partner Management experts were cited as the primary reason behind the move.

Bloggers have been reporting rumors of the EDW Lynch’s return to the romantic market repeatedly over the course of the first fiscal quarter, while some fans were beginning to despair that perhaps the hiatus would last into 2011.

During a question and answer session after the announcement, members of the international press asked EDW Lynch if a girl was behind the return to the romantic market, which the manglomerate would neither confirm nor deny due to its strict Kiss/Tell Policy.

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Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

SAN FRANCISCO–EDW Lynch announced Tuesday evening that the manglomerate’s Facebook friend holdings have experienced a slight correction. The smartsizing affected only a small proportion of EDW Lynch’s eFriendships.

During questioning by the international press, EDW Lynch addressed the extent of the smartsizing, the fate of the former friends, the sale of those friends to Freundebank, the 2008 Sub-Prime Friend Crisis, and a statement by former friend Melissa Wallace.

See the full text of the press release

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here</

SAN FRANCISCO–EDW Lynch announced Tuesday at the Amnesia Bar and Conference Center that the manglomerate’s romantic projections for this fiscal year have been adjusted. Citing San Francisco’s ongoing romantic recession, EDW Lynch assured stakeholders the adjustments were modest and one-time only. This move follows the manglomerate’s decision last month to leave the romantic market due to “market troubles.”

During Q&A with members of the international press, EDW Lynch addressed the manglomerate’s position in the attractiveness index, the Parent Company’s demand for “a girlfriend by Thanksgiving 2010,” and a key romantic goal involving screen actress Natalie Portman.

From the press release:

Because of this unforeseen lack of activity on the market, EDW Lynch is adjusting romantic projections for this fiscal year. This modest, one-time adjustment reflects a minimal impact on our romantic operations. EDW Lynch expects conditions to improve this Fall, at which point the manglomerate will re-enter the San Francisco romantic market.

See the full text of the press release
See revised romantic projections for this fiscal year (FY 2011)

SAN FRANCISCO– EDW Lynch held a press conference late Tuesday to announce the manglomerate’s official departure from San Francisco’s Romantic Market. Newly promoted Vice President of Partner Management, Jasmine Steel, Esq., was on hand to field questions and to assure the public that EDW Lynch’s departure is a sign of market troubles and has no bearing on the manglomerate’s romantic valuation.

In the past fiscal quarter, our analysts have observed a sharp downturn in romantic activity, in other words, a romantic recession. Due to the unfavorable romantic climate, effective immediately, EDW Lynch is pulling out of the San Francisco Romantic Market.

At this time all Partner Management dating accounts are closed and our operations on OK Cupid are suspended.

EDW Lynch will rejoin the San Francisco Romantic Market when conditions improve.

EDW announces his departure on the OK Cupid dating site

Full text of the press release can be found here.

For further information the press contact is Vice President of Partner Management Jasmine Steel, Esq., jsteel at edwlynch.com

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EDW Lynch Discloses LJBF Incident at Televised Conference

SAN FRANCISCO– EDW Lynch disclosed a “Let’s Just Be Friends” (LJBF) incident at a televised press conference on Tuesday, ending speculation by the international press regarding a series of Moment of Awkwardness (MOA) alerts that occurred the preceding Sunday. The text of the press release is below and the original document can also be found here.

On the evening of Sunday, May 23rd, EDW Lynch was present at a romantic evaluation meeting or “Date” with a young woman “Erica K,” who was considered by this company to be a potential romantic opportunity. At 7:32pm pacific daylight time, Erica issued a statement of “Let’s Just Be Friends” to EDW Lynch. In line with company policy, her account with our dating department has been closed.

EDW Lynch is disclosing this incident pursuant of company policy, and for the benefit of our stakeholders and the public. This LJBF disclosure is not cause for concern, and falls well within our romantic projections for this fiscal year.

For additional information, the press contact is Social Resources Czar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto, socialresources at edwlynch.com