“Due to current social market conditions and in particular, rampant friend inflation, EDW Lynch has agreed to sell approximately 55 percent of its Preferred Rhombus™ member holdings to Social Equity Investment,” announced Funston-Nakamoto at the Oslo Nordic Arts Center and Smörgåsbord. Social Equity Investments Ltd., a partnership of Zürich-based Freundebank GmBH and Dubai-based social hedge fund Desert Diamond Partners, noted in a statement that they are “deeply pleased” to add the former Preferred Rhombus™ members to their investment portfolio and “predict strong gains in these value-added friend opportunities.” The partnership purchased the members as Growth Positive Friend Securities, which means they will be taking on all debts and liabilities of those friendships, such as unreturned text messages, borrowed clothing items, or personality downturns.

Tsar Funston-Nakamoto said the landmark sale would have “no effect whatsoever” on the ongoing work of the Social Surge, now entering its second year.

F. Carlton opened by noting that “what we have here is a draft report that has not even been presented to the EDW Lynch board. So I cannot and will not respond specifically to any alleged conclusions stated in this report.”

Susan Schnellhund of Humanitarian Fancy Magazine cited statistics in the report that listed a substantial portion of the Preferred Rhombus™ member network as “not investment grade” and “sub-prime”,” and asked whether “the number of members in the top or ‘Elite’ tier of Preferred Rhombus™ are in fact grossly inflated.”

F. Carlton responded vigorously: “I take issue with your question and your use of the term ‘sub-prime.’ The Preferred Rhombus™ member program is the premiere corporate friend network on the Pacific Rim. I think it is ludicrous and irresponsible for you to try and paint it with the ‘sub-prime brush,’ so I simply not going to further entertain your question.”

Marty Putz of EDW Lynch Watch asked, “with the apparent collapse of the Social Surge and now this crisis in the EDW Lynch member appreciation network, are we seeing an overall management failure at EDW Lynch?”

“I reject entirely the ‘slippery slope’ analogy you’re trying to propagate here,” responded F. Carlton. “I cannot speak to the Surge as that is under the aegis of T. Argyle, our Social Tsar. But I can say that many outside factors, including a weak first quarter Friend Market, as well as a general worldwide increase in Awkwardness inflation, has presented an enormous challenge to the EDW Lynch management team. I think we’re trying something fairly revolutionary here so a certain amount of kickback is to be expected. I don’t think its time to start ringing alarm bells. I’d say we’re within expected limits.”

Marty Putz: “But what about the 26% response rate on text messages, or the 68% of Elite member accounts that have been inactive for more than 60 days, or the 6-my mistake-16 Moments of Awkwardness logged just in January and February?”

F. Carlton: “Fa-la-la-la-la-la! I can’t hear you! No more questions!”

T. Argyle:
Thank you all for coming here via helicopter and speedboat on such sort notice. I’m going to make a statement after which I will be taking no questions whatsoever.

The Social Surge component of last year’s 2007 Yes! campaign was never meant to be a temporary effort. The methods of the Surge are complex and layered and the goals are ambitious. It was initiated as a revolution in Social Resources at E. D. W. Lynch, and in that sense it has been an unequivocal success. We’ve seen dramatic improvements in key social metrics, as noted in my report on the Surge last fall. Awkwardness: substantially decreased. Text messages: flowing freely. Hugs: 400% more embracing.

I now want to address head-on the widespread rumors in the press about an alleged report by our auditing firm Watkins and Fox, that supposedly indicates serious and widespread failures and pullbacks in the various Surge operations.

It is hopelessly simplistic and irresponsible to paint the Social Surge as a failure due to a few alleged setbacks in our social metrics. The simple fact is, the Surge is as vital and active as ever. To claim that Moments of Awkwardness are ‘increasing alarmingly’ or to use phrases like ‘total disarray’ or to refer to Preferred Rhombus™ members as ‘downgraded to non-investment grade’ is to not understand the long range focus of our efforts. The social operations we undertake are sometimes very risky. We fully expect a certain notable percentage of those operations to end in non-ideal outcomes. It is part of the process and the possibility of Moments of Awkwardness and other collateral issues was clearly outlined in our prospectus released at the launch of the Social Surge in 2007.

Now I’m not going to discuss here tonight the minutae of what supposed Moments of Awkwardness have occurred, or what possible auditing may be happening over in our Preferred Rhombus™ member department. But I will tell you that we take any setbacks in the course of our operations very seriously and we’re constantly reevaluating and evolving as the Surge itself evolves.

I will close be announcing that E. D. W. Lynch will be presenting some bold and exciting new programs in the coming weeks, including a new phase of the Social Surge. Thank you, and good night. No questions.

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Tsar Funston-Nakamoto acknowledged that news reports of Miss Johansson’s imminent engagement to “some guy” may have “played a role” in the change of course, but he refused to elaborate.

Addressing humanitarian fanciers, journalists, and international dignitaries at Three Brothers Golden Lotus Happiness Flower Palace Casino, Tsar Funston-Nakamoto also announced a new goal for the Surge as it continues unabated into 2008. “I project Sir E. D. W. Lynch will buy a latte for under-appreciated ambi-racial screen siren Shannyn Sossoman by Sir E. D. W.‘s birthday, May 3rd, 2008.” He went on to list some notable details about the actress, including that fact that she is of “Dutch, Filipino, French, German, Hawaiian, and Irish descent,” and also that she “once wrestled an escaped lion to the ground in Prague.”

“The Office of E. D. W. Lynch has indeed contracted Watkins & Fox to review various aspects of the social resources surge. But let me be totally clear: under no circumstances do we ever make our Preferred Rhombus™ member information available to any outside parties,” said T. Argyle during the press conference at the Most Benign and Esteemed Sultan’s Pleasure Palace Hotel Six Star Resort on Palm Tree Islands in Dubai. “It would furthermore be irresponsible to imply that there’s anything wrong with the Preferred Rhombus™ system or any Preferred Rhombus™ members. We’re extremely proud of the high caliber of our members and we will vigorously defend any wildly inaccurate accusation or speculation regarding their character or their allegiance to E. D. W. Lynch and the values he represents.”

This statement comes amidst reports in the European tabloid press, attributed to “inside sources,” that E. D. W.’s vaunted member appreciation program has dropped its quality standards in order to “make the numbers” laid out by the social resources surge.

“Those so called insider reports are ridiculous,” insists T. Argyle. “Our evaluation process and our internal review system is constantly evolving to meet our needs.” Asked to elaborate, the Social Resources Tsar replied, “If you’re asking me to reveal our methods or internal procedures, well, I’m just not going to do that. There is absolutely an ‘E. D. W. Lynch Difference,’ and I would love right now to explain our process to you, but that information is a trade secret.”

T. Argyle closed by saying, “I’m deeply pleased with the ongoing progress of the social resources surge. Everyone at E. D. W. Lynch is focused on the surge and we simply have no further time to discuss these baseless rumors.“

The answer, after several months of ethically ambiguous user testing, is yes! We’ve streamlined, underlined, accentuated, and otherwise pizazzed your member benefits to a bold new level. We expect some of you will experience jelly-knees, silly-hands, and other symptoms of benefits shock. Don’t worry, those symptoms will pass. In no time at all, you’ll be basking in our unbelievably bold new benefits, wondering how you even got up in the morning without them.