We have the most comprehensive Kiss/Tell Policy in the industry

“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION:
Does EDW Lynch kiss and tell?
–T., San Francisco, California

THE ANSWER:

Thank you T. for your great question.  A lot of people ask me, do I or my authorized signatories and assigns kiss and tell? If you attend a Romantic Evaluation Meeting (a. k. a. “a date”) with me, will it make it into an annual report or a press release?

In an era of increased privacy concerns these are very valid questions. I want to assure you T., that the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate has the most comprehensive Kiss/Tell Policy in the industry.

All EDW Lynch romantic operations are overseen by our expert staff in the Partner Management Division of our Social Resources Department. I can assure you that active Partner Management account files are vigorously encrypted and our account executives are mainly from Switzerland–widely regarded as the most discrete nation on the planet.

Our Kiss/Tell policy specifically forbids the sharing of any private information regarding any Girl In Question, that is to say, any woman who is actively dating or may potentially date me during the course of the fiscal year. If a GIQ is removed from active Partner Management, not only are her confidential files destroyed, but so are any of her personal effects that may remain in my posesssion (sorry, the auditors make me do it!)

There is, however, a point at which the privacy of a Girl In Question is superceded by the interests of our stakeholders–our shareholders, board members, and the public.  The selection and maintenance of an Official Muse to EDW Lynch (hereinafter “Girlfriend”) is part of the mission statement of the Corporate Manglomerate.  As a result, Federal accounting rules and auditing best practices require that we disclose whether or not EDW Lynch is in a steady, exclusive romantic relationship that may “substantially affect” the operations of the manglomerate.. However, these same rules and regulations provide a 90 day grace period, during which we may maintain confidentiality regarding the relationship.  So our Kiss/Tell Policy provides for this three month period, during which we do not disclose any ongoing romantic operations with a Girl In Question to either the public or the Parent Company.  Of course, the Romantic Advisory Board of the Partner Management Division is scrupulously informed of all activities, but those board members too must adhere to our Kiss/Tell Policy.

Okay, I realize that’s a lot to digest, T. from San Francisco. But you should be assured that if you were a Girl In Question (and I’m not under any circumstances implying or stating such a scenario), your secrets are safe with us…provided we are not required to disclose said secrets due to state or Federal statute or accounting best practices.

Also, T., please call your Partner Management account executive as soon as possible (ext. 6595)

EDW Lynch corporate headquarters (artist’s rendering)

“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION:
What’s a typical day in the life of EDW Lynch?
–S., Brooklyn, New York

THE ANSWER:

Great question, S. Well, the short answer is that there isn’t a typical day in my life as Chairman and CEO of myself.  The operations of the EDW Lynch corporate manglomerate are diverse and no two days are the same.  But to give you an idea, I’m providing you with my schedule for today, Monday September 13.

EDW Lynch’s Schedule–Monday

Morning
9:00am Light breakfast and review of day’s activities with personal assistant
9:15am Briefing by Press Secretary regarding EDW Lynch in the news
9:30am Quiet reflection (do not disturb!)
10:00am Awkward Mitigation Team Meeting [Confidential]
10:30am Executive Team Meeting. Updates by Social Resources Czar, Partner Management VP, General Counsel
11:30am Fitting with personal tailor for Humanitarian Fancy Magazine Gala

Afternoon
12:00am Lunch and video conference with Dubai office (11 hours ahead)
1:00pm Light humanitarian work
1:15pm Yogic meditation (no calls!)
2:00pm Partner Management meeting, Director of Romantic Operations to discuss Girl In Question.
2:30pm Tea time. Conference call with Freundebank re: sale of friends (9 hours ahead. Legal to sit in)
3:00pm Public Relations crisis management meeting regarding the sandwich incident
3:30pm Quiet reflection (do not disturb!)
4:00pm Preferred Rhombus™ friend assessment meeting, VP of PR™ in attendance
4:30pm Special Member Improvement Team (SMITE) meeting [confidential]
5:00pm Massage with Sven

Evening
6:00pm Light dinner of Mediterranean small plates. Briefing by Legal Department.
7:00pm Unstructured time
8:00pm Humanitarian Fancy Magazine Gala (Four Seasons. Ayumi to accompany.)
10:30pm Green tea bath
11:00pm Story time
11:30pm Bed time

Evil and inhuman? Not with these winning smiles.

“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION:
Aren’t corporations like you evil and inhuman? Noam Chomsky bla bla Michael Moore rant rant etc.
–P., Berkeley, California (edited for length)

THE ANSWER:

First of all, P., please calm down and enjoy this EDW Lynch-branded Chai Latté. I hope you understand I’m a little offended, as a corporate-man hybrid, by being called “evil and inhuman.” But I’ve heard this before, and I’d like to rap with you P., to get real and show you that corporations are not evil or inhuman.

In fact, they are humanity’s most perfect children.

Look, there’s only so much you can do on your own. Ask bees or ants, they live and work together in colonies and act as essentially one super organism. What if I told you we humans have our alternative to the ant colony and the bee hive? That in fact, we have a super organism, actually a super person, and that person has special tax and legal status? Would I blow your mind if I told you this super person is also known as a corporation?

Be honest, P., I blew your mind just now.

So to call a corporation inhuman couldn’t be more wrong.  Corporations are in fact the most human thing we’ve ever created, outside of maybe babies.

P., now I’m going to kick this “evil corporations” talk to the curb. It’s pretty simple: do you believe that humans are evil? If you do, well, then that’s too bad. You’re probably no fun at dinner parties. But if you have some idea that humanity is A-OK, then it follows that this child of theirs, this super person the corporation, is no more evil than say, a baby. Now yes, there are some bad apples out there.  But there are also corporations out there that just sell apples. How could that possibly be evil?

If anything, P., I prove my own thesis with my very existence. I am human. I have feelings, dreams, and yes, sometimes I get lonely.  But I’m also a thriving corporation, with entire departments buzzing away over all aspects of my life.  The words you’re reading were touched by no less than three of my departments or sub-departments, two C-level executives, three lawyers, 12 staff members, and one intern. EDW Lynch, CM is made up of an awful lot of people, and I assure you, we’re not evil. Just look at all the EDW Lynch-branded Priuses in our motor pool.

EDW Lynch

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Awwwwwwkward.

“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION:
What is a Moment of Awkwardnesss?
–J., Portland, Oregon

THE ANSWER:

J., thanks for this great question. A lot of people want to know more about the term “Moment of Awkwardness,” or MOA.  First of all, it’s nothing to be afraid of. Moments of Awkwardness are a natural and regular byproduct of EDW Lynch social operations. Social awkwardness is a core competency of the EDW Lynch brand, and we strongly believe it is part of the manglomerate’s intrinsic charm, much in the same way that moldiness makes blue cheese so irresistible.

There are several categories of MOAs. The most common are:

• A misunderstanding–joke or obscure reference.
• Romantic intent (unexpected)
• Social gaffe

An MOA can range in severity from mild to extremely awkward.  EDW Lynch uses the metric “Awks per Meter” measurement (Awks/M), ranging from 1.0 to 11.0 Awks/M. Most MOAs are mild, rating at less than 3.0 Awks/M. Should an MOA exceed that threshold, two things will happen: we disclose the MOA via our public edwlynchcm twitter account and we dispatch our Awkward Mitigation Team (AMT).

The Awkward Mitigation Team
In 2005 EDW Lynch formed the Awkward Mitigation Team. The AMT consists of a 24 hour on-call team of professionals: lawyers, crisis managers, counselors, and dating experts.  Once an MOA has been detected, the AMT is dispatched to assess and respond. Very often a bit of education goes a long way in mitigating a moment of awkwardness. Usually a misunderstanding can be cleared up, or an obscure pop culture reference explained. On rare occasions, the MOA is so severe that the recipient may need to be counseled by our professionals or their Partner Management dating or Preferred Rhombus™ friend account may need to be terminated.

Once the Awkward Mitigation Team has responded to the Moment of Awkwardness, an SR1090 MOA Report is issued and filed for further study.

Social awkwardness is part of doing business with EDW Lynch. It’s our responsibility to respond to and mitigate these MOA’s with all of our corporate resources. And I assure you, nobody is more advanced in the creation and mitigation of social awkwardness than the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate.

EDW Lynch

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.…..Ladies?

THE QUESTION:
What is the Letter of Romantic Intent?
–J., Portland, Oregon

THE ANSWER:
Great question. The Letter of Romantic Intent is a legal document which expresses my romantic interest to a girl in clear contract language.

In 2009, the manglomerate experienced a series of moments of awkwardness due to what we call a romantic interest mismatch. In layman’s terms a mismatch occurs between two people when one party has romantic intent and the other does not. Obviously if one party (we’ll say EDW Lynch) acts on his romantic intent with say, a kiss attempt, and the other party (we’ll say an adorable yoga instructor/ukulele musician) was not expecting and does not welcome this action, then we have a severe moment of awkwardness.

The Partner Management (dating) Division and our legal department held a series of meetings to find a way to prevent these MOAs from occurring. The result of these meetings is the Letter of Romantic Intent.

In broad strokes the LRI clearly discloses EDW Lynch’s romantic interest in the girl in question. It explains the differences between a friendship with EDW Lynch and a romantic relationship (or “Partnering Opportunity.”) It discloses the likelihood of moments of awkwardness as a result of future romantic efforts. A neutral mediator is identified, should EDW Lynch say or do anything to the girl in question that is confusing and requires explanation. And finally, should the Partnering Opportunity fail, the Termination process is clearly outlined for both parties.

The Letter of Romantic Intent brings the clarity and fairness of contract law into romantic relationships. It’s just another social innovation from the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate.

So if you receive the Letter read it carefully and run it by your attorney. Should you elect to sign it, you’ll be rewarded with the unique delights and challenges of dating EDW Lynch.

See Also: A sample Letter of Romantic Intent

EDW Lynch

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A suspected DAMES agent. Note headscarf. Photo cc Timothy Wells

THE QUESTION: What is DAMES?
–F., New York

THE ANSWER:
DAMES is an international conspiracy of beautiful women committed to the destruction of EDW Lynch. Their campaign has been underway since my junior prom in 1999.

DAMES is an acronym for the Directorate of Adorable Madamoiselles Excelling in Seduction. They wear no uniforms though oftentimes are equipped with legwarmers and short pixie-like hair. Much has been said of the large proportion of Asian or part-Asian members, but this by no means is a requirement.

The primary goal of DAMES is to confuse, demoralize, and frustrate EDW Lynch by any means necessary. Adorableness is used as a weapon to achieve this goal. Confusingly ambiguous statements and nonverbal communications (e. g. “mixed signals”) provide a psychological warfare element that has been particularly effective against the manglomerate in the past. Let’s Just Be Friends ambushes are another frequent tactic.

Recent operations have been designed to encourage EDW Lynch to cause moments of awkwardness in social situations, after which the DAMES agent no longer returns phone calls or text messages. Suspected DAMES agents have been detected at San Francisco’s Dolores Park, local bars, cafés and at Beirut concerts.

To date, DAMES has not issued any demands or justification for the actions of its agents. Occasionally spokeswomen for the directorate have made vague statements regarding how EDW Lynch “should know why we’re mad,” but no further explanation has ever been offered.

It remains the official policy of EDW Lynch that we do not negotiate with DAMES.

We made a brief statement about DAMES during a recent press conference regarding a Let’s Just Be Friends incident.

EDW Lynch

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EDW Lynch, Corporate Manglomerate

As part of the EDW Lynch corporate manglomerate’s ongoing efforts to maintain an open dialogue with our stakeholders, we are proud to introduce Ask EDW, a regular feature that will allow the public to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* To ask a question, email edwlynch@edwlynch.com

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION: Can I date EDW Lynch?
–M., San Francisco

THE ANSWER:
First of all, I’d like to say a friendly corporate hello to our stakeholders and the general public.  Please don’t be alarmed by my use of the “first person.” In addition to being a corporate entity, I am also a man. I have feelings and opinions, just like you, except mine are wholly owned intellectual property of my corporate manglomerate. Confused? Don’t be. I am EDW Lynch, corporate manglomerate. EDW Lynch CM is me.

M., the short answer to your question is no, you cannot date me. The corporate manglomerate has been off the San Francisco romantic market since June 15th, 2010 (see our press conference announcing the departure.)

What does that mean? Well it certainly does NOT mean that EDW Lynch is currently in a relationship (in our parlance, a corporate partnership.) It means that we took a long hard look at market conditions in San Francisco, and on the advice of Jasmine Steel and our Partner Management team, decided to take the manglomerate, temporarily, off the romantic market. We did this for a variety of reasons, but mainly: the San Francisco romantic market is currently in recession and cannot support the premium position that EDW Lynch inhabits. Just look for the key indicators of a healthy romantic market: single women, returned text messages, legwarmers and armwarmers. You wont find them right now.

We’re looking forward to the end of this recession just as much as anyone. When market conditions improve, EDW Lynch will once again be listed as eligible. In the meanwhile, feel free to contact our Partner Management Division (partnermanagement@edwlynch.com) to discuss future partnering opportunities with EDW Lynch.

Meanwhile, sorry ladies.

Best,

EDW Lynch