We have the most com­pre­hen­sive Kiss/Tell Pol­icy in the industry

“Ask EDW” is your oppor­tu­nity to ask ques­tions directly to Chair­man and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a ques­tion, please con­tact us!

*or his autho­rized sig­na­to­ries and assigns

THE QUESTION:
Does EDW Lynch kiss and tell?
–T., San Fran­cisco, California

THE ANSWER:

Thank you T. for your great ques­tion.  A lot of peo­ple ask me, do I or my autho­rized sig­na­to­ries and assigns kiss and tell? If you attend a Roman­tic Eval­u­a­tion Meet­ing (a. k. a. “a date”) with me, will it make it into an annual report or a press release?

In an era of increased pri­vacy con­cerns these are very valid ques­tions. I want to assure you T., that the EDW Lynch Cor­po­rate Man­glom­er­ate has the most com­pre­hen­sive Kiss/Tell Pol­icy in the industry.

All EDW Lynch roman­tic oper­a­tions are over­seen by our expert staff in the Part­ner Man­age­ment Divi­sion of our Social Resources Depart­ment. I can assure you that active Part­ner Man­age­ment account files are vig­or­ously encrypted and our account exec­u­tives are mainly from Switzerland–widely regarded as the most dis­crete nation on the planet.

Our Kiss/Tell pol­icy specif­i­cally for­bids the shar­ing of any pri­vate infor­ma­tion regard­ing any Girl In Ques­tion, that is to say, any woman who is actively dat­ing or may poten­tially date me dur­ing the course of the fis­cal year. If a GIQ is removed from active Part­ner Man­age­ment, not only are her con­fi­den­tial files destroyed, but so are any of her per­sonal effects that may remain in my posess­sion (sorry, the audi­tors make me do it!)

There is, how­ever, a point at which the pri­vacy of a Girl In Ques­tion is superceded by the inter­ests of our stakeholders–our share­hold­ers, board mem­bers, and the pub­lic.  The selec­tion and main­te­nance of an Offi­cial Muse to EDW Lynch (here­inafter “Girl­friend”) is part of the mis­sion state­ment of the Cor­po­rate Man­glom­er­ate.  As a result, Fed­eral account­ing rules and audit­ing best prac­tices require that we dis­close whether or not EDW Lynch is in a steady, exclu­sive roman­tic rela­tion­ship that may “sub­stan­tially affect” the oper­a­tions of the man­glom­er­ate.. How­ever, these same rules and reg­u­la­tions pro­vide a 90 day grace period, dur­ing which we may main­tain con­fi­den­tial­ity regard­ing the rela­tion­ship.  So our Kiss/Tell Pol­icy pro­vides for this three month period, dur­ing which we do not dis­close any ongo­ing roman­tic oper­a­tions with a Girl In Ques­tion to either the pub­lic or the Par­ent Com­pany.  Of course, the Roman­tic Advi­sory Board of the Part­ner Man­age­ment Divi­sion is scrupu­lously informed of all activ­i­ties, but those board mem­bers too must adhere to our Kiss/Tell Policy.

Okay, I real­ize that’s a lot to digest, T. from San Fran­cisco. But you should be assured that if you were a Girl In Ques­tion (and I’m not under any cir­cum­stances imply­ing or stat­ing such a sce­nario), your secrets are safe with us…provided we are not required to dis­close said secrets due to state or Fed­eral statute or account­ing best practices.

Also, T., please call your Part­ner Man­age­ment account exec­u­tive as soon as pos­si­ble (ext. 6595)

EDW Lynch cor­po­rate head­quar­ters (artist’s rendering)

“Ask EDW” is your oppor­tu­nity to ask ques­tions directly to Chair­man and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a ques­tion, please con­tact us!

*or his autho­rized sig­na­to­ries and assigns

THE QUESTION:
What’s a typ­i­cal day in the life of EDW Lynch?
–S., Brook­lyn, New York

THE ANSWER:

Great ques­tion, S. Well, the short answer is that there isn’t a typ­i­cal day in my life as Chair­man and CEO of myself.  The oper­a­tions of the EDW Lynch cor­po­rate man­glom­er­ate are diverse and no two days are the same.  But to give you an idea, I’m pro­vid­ing you with my sched­ule for today, Mon­day Sep­tem­ber 13.

EDW Lynch’s Schedule–Monday

Morn­ing
9:00am Light break­fast and review of day’s activ­i­ties with per­sonal assis­tant
9:15am Brief­ing by Press Sec­re­tary regard­ing EDW Lynch in the news
9:30am Quiet reflec­tion (do not dis­turb!)
10:00am Awk­ward Mit­i­ga­tion Team Meet­ing [Con­fi­den­tial]
10:30am Exec­u­tive Team Meet­ing. Updates by Social Resources Czar, Part­ner Man­age­ment VP, Gen­eral Coun­sel
11:30am Fit­ting with per­sonal tai­lor for Human­i­tar­ian Fancy Mag­a­zine Gala

After­noon
12:00am Lunch and video con­fer­ence with Dubai office (11 hours ahead)
1:00pm Light human­i­tar­ian work
1:15pm Yogic med­i­ta­tion (no calls!)
2:00pm Part­ner Man­age­ment meet­ing, Direc­tor of Roman­tic Oper­a­tions to dis­cuss Girl In Ques­tion.
2:30pm Tea time. Con­fer­ence call with Fre­un­de­bank re: sale of friends (9 hours ahead. Legal to sit in)
3:00pm Pub­lic Rela­tions cri­sis man­age­ment meet­ing regard­ing the sand­wich inci­dent
3:30pm Quiet reflec­tion (do not dis­turb!)
4:00pm Pre­ferred Rhom­bus™ friend assess­ment meet­ing, VP of PR™ in atten­dance
4:30pm Spe­cial Mem­ber Improve­ment Team (SMITE) meet­ing [con­fi­den­tial]
5:00pm Mas­sage with Sven

Evening
6:00pm Light din­ner of Mediter­ranean small plates. Brief­ing by Legal Depart­ment.
7:00pm Unstruc­tured time
8:00pm Human­i­tar­ian Fancy Mag­a­zine Gala (Four Sea­sons. Ayumi to accom­pany.)
10:30pm Green tea bath
11:00pm Story time
11:30pm Bed time

Evil and inhu­man? Not with these win­ning smiles.

“Ask EDW” is your oppor­tu­nity to ask ques­tions directly to Chair­man and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a ques­tion, please con­tact us!

*or his autho­rized sig­na­to­ries and assigns

THE QUESTION:
Aren’t cor­po­ra­tions like you evil and inhu­man? Noam Chom­sky bla bla Michael Moore rant rant etc.
–P., Berke­ley, Cal­i­for­nia (edited for length)

THE ANSWER:

First of all, P., please calm down and enjoy this EDW Lynch-branded Chai Latté. I hope you under­stand I’m a lit­tle offended, as a corporate-man hybrid, by being called “evil and inhu­man.” But I’ve heard this before, and I’d like to rap with you P., to get real and show you that cor­po­ra­tions are not evil or inhuman.

In fact, they are humanity’s most per­fect children.

Look, there’s only so much you can do on your own. Ask bees or ants, they live and work together in colonies and act as essen­tially one super organ­ism. What if I told you we humans have our alter­na­tive to the ant colony and the bee hive? That in fact, we have a super organ­ism, actu­ally a super per­son, and that per­son has spe­cial tax and legal sta­tus? Would I blow your mind if I told you this super per­son is also known as a corporation?

Be hon­est, P., I blew your mind just now.

So to call a cor­po­ra­tion inhu­man couldn’t be more wrong.  Cor­po­ra­tions are in fact the most human thing we’ve ever cre­ated, out­side of maybe babies.

P., now I’m going to kick this “evil cor­po­ra­tions” talk to the curb. It’s pretty sim­ple: do you believe that humans are evil? If you do, well, then that’s too bad. You’re prob­a­bly no fun at din­ner par­ties. But if you have some idea that human­ity is A-OK, then it fol­lows that this child of theirs, this super per­son the cor­po­ra­tion, is no more evil than say, a baby. Now yes, there are some bad apples out there.  But there are also cor­po­ra­tions out there that just sell apples. How could that pos­si­bly be evil?

If any­thing, P., I prove my own the­sis with my very exis­tence. I am human. I have feel­ings, dreams, and yes, some­times I get lonely.  But I’m also a thriv­ing cor­po­ra­tion, with entire depart­ments buzzing away over all aspects of my life.  The words you’re read­ing were touched by no less than three of my depart­ments or sub-departments, two C-level exec­u­tives, three lawyers, 12 staff mem­bers, and one intern. EDW Lynch, CM is made up of an awful lot of peo­ple, and I assure you, we’re not evil. Just look at all the EDW Lynch-branded Priuses in our motor pool.

EDW Lynch

DICTATED BUT NOT READ