Ask EDW: What is DAMES?

A suspected DAMES agent. Note headscarf. Photo cc Timothy Wells

A sus­pected DAMES agent. Note head­scarf. Photo cc Tim­o­thy Wells

THE QUESTION: What is DAMES?
–F., New York

THE ANSWER:
DAMES is an inter­na­tional con­spir­acy of beau­ti­ful women com­mit­ted to the destruc­tion of EDW Lynch. Their cam­paign has been under­way since my junior prom in 1999.

DAMES is an acronym for the Direc­torate of Adorable Madamoi­selles Excelling in Seduc­tion. They wear no uni­forms though often­times are equipped with leg­warm­ers and short pixie-like hair. Much has been said of the large pro­por­tion of Asian or part-Asian mem­bers, but this by no means is a requirement.

The pri­mary goal of DAMES is to con­fuse, demor­al­ize, and frus­trate EDW Lynch by any means nec­es­sary. Adorable­ness is used as a weapon to achieve this goal. Con­fus­ingly ambigu­ous state­ments and non­ver­bal com­mu­ni­ca­tions (e. g. “mixed sig­nals”) pro­vide a psy­cho­log­i­cal war­fare ele­ment that has been par­tic­u­larly effec­tive against the man­glom­er­ate in the past. Let’s Just Be Friends ambushes are another fre­quent tactic.

Recent oper­a­tions have been designed to encour­age EDW Lynch to cause moments of awk­ward­ness in social sit­u­a­tions, after which the DAMES agent no longer returns phone calls or text mes­sages. Sus­pected DAMES agents have been detected at San Francisco’s Dolores Park, local bars, cafés and at Beirut concerts.

To date, DAMES has not issued any demands or jus­ti­fi­ca­tion for the actions of its agents. Occa­sion­ally spokes­women for the direc­torate have made vague state­ments regard­ing how EDW Lynch “should know why we’re mad,” but no fur­ther expla­na­tion has ever been offered.

It remains the offi­cial pol­icy of EDW Lynch that we do not nego­ti­ate with DAMES.

We made a brief state­ment about DAMES dur­ing a recent press con­fer­ence regard­ing a Let’s Just Be Friends inci­dent.

EDW Lynch

DICTATED BUT NOT READ

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This entry was posted on Monday, August 2nd, 2010 at 11:22 am and is filed under Ask EDW. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Comments

  1. Gemma Fotheringay-Phipps says:
    August 2, 2010 at 11:35 am

    If you can’t fig­ure it out, we’re cer­tainly not going to tell you.

  2. EDW Lynch says:
    August 2, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Until you agree to a cease­fire we will not nego­ti­ate with you.

  3. partner management says:
    August 18, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    What in the world is DAME I have never heard of it before it sounds kind of strange. One thing that does make sense is part­ner man­age­ment it’s a very use­ful thing for peo­ple who want to be suc­cess­ful in life or at least have a suc­cess­ful business.