“Ask EDW” is your oppor­tu­nity to ask ques­tions directly to Chair­man and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a ques­tion, please con­tact us!

*or his autho­rized sig­na­to­ries and assigns

THE QUESTION:
Does EDW Lynch kiss and tell?
–T., San Fran­cisco, California

THE ANSWER:

Thank you T. for your great ques­tion.  A lot of peo­ple ask me, do I or my autho­rized sig­na­to­ries and assigns kiss and tell? If you attend a Roman­tic Eval­u­a­tion Meet­ing (a. k. a. “a date”) with me, will it make it into an annual report or a press release?

In an era of increased pri­vacy con­cerns these are very valid ques­tions. I want to assure you T., that the EDW Lynch Cor­po­rate Man­glom­er­ate has the most com­pre­hen­sive Kiss/Tell Pol­icy in the industry.

All EDW Lynch roman­tic oper­a­tions are over­seen by our expert staff in the Part­ner Man­age­ment Divi­sion of our Social Resources Depart­ment. I can assure you that active Part­ner Man­age­ment account files are vig­or­ously encrypted and our account exec­u­tives are mainly from Switzerland–widely regarded as the most dis­crete nation on the planet.

Our Kiss/Tell pol­icy specif­i­cally for­bids the shar­ing of any pri­vate infor­ma­tion regard­ing any Girl In Ques­tion, that is to say, any woman who is actively dat­ing or may poten­tially date me dur­ing the course of the fis­cal year. If a GIQ is removed from active Part­ner Man­age­ment, not only are her con­fi­den­tial files destroyed, but so are any of her per­sonal effects that may remain in my posess­sion (sorry, the audi­tors make me do it!)

There is, how­ever, a point at which the pri­vacy of a Girl In Ques­tion is superceded by the inter­ests of our stakeholders–our share­hold­ers, board mem­bers, and the pub­lic.  The selec­tion and main­te­nance of an Offi­cial Muse to EDW Lynch (here­inafter “Girl­friend”) is part of the mis­sion state­ment of the Cor­po­rate Man­glom­er­ate.  As a result, Fed­eral account­ing rules and audit­ing best prac­tices require that we dis­close whether or not EDW Lynch is in a steady, exclu­sive roman­tic rela­tion­ship that may “sub­stan­tially affect” the oper­a­tions of the man­glom­er­ate.. How­ever, these same rules and reg­u­la­tions pro­vide a 90 day grace period, dur­ing which we may main­tain con­fi­den­tial­ity regard­ing the rela­tion­ship.  So our Kiss/Tell Pol­icy pro­vides for this three month period, dur­ing which we do not dis­close any ongo­ing roman­tic oper­a­tions with a Girl In Ques­tion to either the pub­lic or the Par­ent Com­pany.  Of course, the Roman­tic Advi­sory Board of the Part­ner Man­age­ment Divi­sion is scrupu­lously informed of all activ­i­ties, but those board mem­bers too must adhere to our Kiss/Tell Policy.

Okay, I real­ize that’s a lot to digest, T. from San Fran­cisco. But you should be assured that if you were a Girl In Ques­tion (and I’m not under any cir­cum­stances imply­ing or stat­ing such a sce­nario), your secrets are safe with us…provided we are not required to dis­close said secrets due to state or Fed­eral statute or account­ing best practices.

Also, T., please call your Part­ner Man­age­ment account exec­u­tive as soon as pos­si­ble (ext. 6595)

Tags: Kiss Tell Policy

This entry was posted on Monday, September 27th, 2010 at 4:24 pm and is filed under Ask EDW. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.