Ask EDW: Do you kiss and tell?
“Ask EDW” is your opportunity to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* If you have a question, please contact us!
*or his authorized signatories and assigns
Does EDW Lynch kiss and tell?
–T., San Francisco, California
Thank you T. for your great question. A lot of people ask me, do I or my authorized signatories and assigns kiss and tell? If you attend a Romantic Evaluation Meeting (a. k. a. “a date”) with me, will it make it into an annual report or a press release?
In an era of increased privacy concerns these are very valid questions. I want to assure you T., that the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate has the most comprehensive Kiss/Tell Policy in the industry.
All EDW Lynch romantic operations are overseen by our expert staff in the Partner Management Division of our Social Resources Department. I can assure you that active Partner Management account files are vigorously encrypted and our account executives are mainly from Switzerland–widely regarded as the most discrete nation on the planet.
Our Kiss/Tell policy specifically forbids the sharing of any private information regarding any Girl In Question, that is to say, any woman who is actively dating or may potentially date me during the course of the fiscal year. If a GIQ is removed from active Partner Management, not only are her confidential files destroyed, but so are any of her personal effects that may remain in my posesssion (sorry, the auditors make me do it!)
There is, however, a point at which the privacy of a Girl In Question is superceded by the interests of our stakeholders–our shareholders, board members, and the public. The selection and maintenance of an Official Muse to EDW Lynch (hereinafter “Girlfriend”) is part of the mission statement of the Corporate Manglomerate. As a result, Federal accounting rules and auditing best practices require that we disclose whether or not EDW Lynch is in a steady, exclusive romantic relationship that may “substantially affect” the operations of the manglomerate.. However, these same rules and regulations provide a 90 day grace period, during which we may maintain confidentiality regarding the relationship. So our Kiss/Tell Policy provides for this three month period, during which we do not disclose any ongoing romantic operations with a Girl In Question to either the public or the Parent Company. Of course, the Romantic Advisory Board of the Partner Management Division is scrupulously informed of all activities, but those board members too must adhere to our Kiss/Tell Policy.
Okay, I realize that’s a lot to digest, T. from San Francisco. But you should be assured that if you were a Girl In Question (and I’m not under any circumstances implying or stating such a scenario), your secrets are safe with us…provided we are not required to disclose said secrets due to state or Federal statute or accounting best practices.
Also, T., please call your Partner Management account executive as soon as possible (ext. 6595)