SAN FRANCISCO– Much to the alarm of Bay Area human­i­tar­ian fanciers, EDW Lynch led a high risk United Nations mis­sion to San Francisco’s Valentine’s Day Pil­low Fight. With absolutely no regard for his per­sonal safety, Com­man­der EDW Lynch, rep­re­sent­ing his adopted native coun­try Liecht­en­stein, com­manded an 18 per­son United Nations Com­mis­sion on Cos­tumes & Hol­i­days (UNCCH) force. Empow­ered by UN Res­o­lu­tion 0190, they were tasked with vig­or­ously observ­ing the ram­pant pil­i­tancy at the Pil­low Fight.

The unpil­lowed force was pro­tected by Inter­na­tional Pil­low Law, which for­bids attacks on unpil­lowed observers. How­ever, the UNCCH mis­sion was repeat­edly ambushed by the 2,500 pil­i­tants, despite stren­u­ous pleas on the part of Com­man­der EDW Lynch to “please, just con­sider pil­low non-violence.”

Recent reports that claim EDW Lynch has been stricken with “pil­low lung” are wildly exaggerated.

Tags: UNUCC

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