EDW LYNCH RESPONDS TO RUMORS OF “SUB-PRIME FRIEND CRISIS”
BANGKOK– EDW Lynch Preferred Rhombus™ Director F. Carlton Rodriguez-Rodriguez responded today to rumors of a so-called “sub-prime friend crisis” in the Preferred Rhombus™ member network. In a carefully choreographed question and answer session at Golden Silk City Convention Center held before key members of the humanitarian press, Rodriguez-Rodriguez sought to downplay leaked portions of a Watkins & Fox audit of the Preferred Rhombus™ members.
F. Carlton opened by noting that “what we have here is a draft report that has not even been presented to the EDW Lynch board. So I cannot and will not respond specifically to any alleged conclusions stated in this report.”
Susan Schnellhund of Humanitarian Fancy Magazine cited statistics in the report that listed a substantial portion of the Preferred Rhombus™ member network as “not investment grade” and “sub-prime”,” and asked whether “the number of members in the top or ‘Elite’ tier of Preferred Rhombus™ are in fact grossly inflated.”
F. Carlton responded vigorously: “I take issue with your question and your use of the term ‘sub-prime.’ The Preferred Rhombus™ member program is the premiere corporate friend network on the Pacific Rim. I think it is ludicrous and irresponsible for you to try and paint it with the ‘sub-prime brush,’ so I simply not going to further entertain your question.”
Marty Putz of EDW Lynch Watch asked, “with the apparent collapse of the Social Surge and now this crisis in the EDW Lynch member appreciation network, are we seeing an overall management failure at EDW Lynch?”
“I reject entirely the ‘slippery slope’ analogy you’re trying to propagate here,” responded F. Carlton. “I cannot speak to the Surge as that is under the aegis of T. Argyle, our Social Tsar. But I can say that many outside factors, including a weak first quarter Friend Market, as well as a general worldwide increase in Awkwardness inflation, has presented an enormous challenge to the EDW Lynch management team. I think we’re trying something fairly revolutionary here so a certain amount of kickback is to be expected. I don’t think its time to start ringing alarm bells. I’d say we’re within expected limits.”
Marty Putz: “But what about the 26% response rate on text messages, or the 68% of Elite member accounts that have been inactive for more than 60 days, or the 6-my mistake-16 Moments of Awkwardness logged just in January and February?”
F. Carlton: “Fa-la-la-la-la-la! I can’t hear you! No more questions!”