EDW Lynch

Romantic Operations: None

EDW Lynch has now been off San Francisco’s romantic market for 45 days. As a result active romantic operations continue to be at a standstill. We continue to closely monitor the market, and in particular the legwarmer and hapa indices for signs of a recovery from the romantic recession.

Romantic Outlook: Guarded

San Francisco’s romantic market continues to show signs of recession.  Attractiveness inequality in dating partnerships is particularly high; an alarming number of attractive women in San Francisco’s Mission neighborhood are paired with frumpy men with saggy pants and lumberjack beards. We look for to a correction in the market by the fall, at which point these women will reenter the dating pool.

New Position: Adam Andrews, Director of Romantic Operations

We are proud to announce the addition of Adam Andrews, Esq. to the Partner Management Division as our new Director of Romantic Operations (DRO). Mr. Andrews brings extensive experience in Seattle’s romantic market, as well as a keen understanding of contract law and general romantic operations. As DRO he will be responsible for managing romantic evaluation meetings (e. g., “dates”) at a tactical level.

He will also be in charge of the Awkward Mitigation Team, our 24 hour rapid response social crisis unit.

Jasmine Steel
Vice President of Partner Management

At 1:41 Pacific Time this afternoon, OKCupid informed EDW Lynch of a new “IceBreaker” match on their website.

You have a new IceBreaker from [redacted]. Read it now! -OKCupid!

As Vice President of Partner Management, it is my duty to announce the EDW Lynch Corporate Manglomerate categorically rejects this IceBreaker and refuses to read it now or at any time in the future. I present a number of reasons for this:

EDW Lynch expresses deep concern about the accuracy and utility of the OKCupid algorithm–and in particular the alarming number of women selected by the site who love rockclimbing and have large, frightening dogs.

The manglomerate has also publicly withdrawn from San Francisco’s romantic market. This includes the suspension of all official dating activities on OKCupid.

The IceBreaker feature of OKCupid prevents our Partner Management staff from visually verifying the attractiveness and/or intriguingly mixed ethnic heritage of the potential romantic opportunity in question. Nor is it possible to judge their social equity based upon the attractiveness of their friends and the interestingness of activities in which they take part. It is the online dating equivalent of a blind date, and EDW Lynch absolutely refuses to take part in any such dating paradigm.

Jasmine Steele
Vice President of Partner Management
EDW Lynch, CM

EDW Lynch, Corporate Manglomerate

As part of the EDW Lynch corporate manglomerate’s ongoing efforts to maintain an open dialogue with our stakeholders, we are proud to introduce Ask EDW, a regular feature that will allow the public to ask questions directly to Chairman and CEO EDW Lynch.* To ask a question, email edwlynch@edwlynch.com

*or his authorized signatories and assigns

THE QUESTION: Can I date EDW Lynch?
-M., San Francisco

THE ANSWER:
First of all, I’d like to say a friendly corporate hello to our stakeholders and the general public.  Please don’t be alarmed by my use of the “first person.” In addition to being a corporate entity, I am also a man. I have feelings and opinions, just like you, except mine are wholly owned intellectual property of my corporate manglomerate. Confused? Don’t be. I am EDW Lynch, corporate manglomerate. EDW Lynch CM is me.

M., the short answer to your question is no, you cannot date me. The corporate manglomerate has been off the San Francisco romantic market since June 15th, 2010 (see our press conference announcing the departure.)

What does that mean? Well it certainly does NOT mean that EDW Lynch is currently in a relationship (in our parlance, a corporate partnership.) It means that we took a long hard look at market conditions in San Francisco, and on the advice of Jasmine Steel and our Partner Management team, decided to take the manglomerate, temporarily, off the romantic market. We did this for a variety of reasons, but mainly: the San Francisco romantic market is currently in recession and cannot support the premium position that EDW Lynch inhabits. Just look for the key indicators of a healthy romantic market: single women, returned text messages, legwarmers and armwarmers. You wont find them right now.

We’re looking forward to the end of this recession just as much as anyone. When market conditions improve, EDW Lynch will once again be listed as eligible. In the meanwhile, feel free to contact our Partner Management Division (partnermanagement@edwlynch.com) to discuss future partnering opportunities with EDW Lynch.

Meanwhile, sorry ladies.

Best,

EDW Lynch

SAN FRANCISCO–During a routine press conference EDW Lynch was confronted by heated questioning from members of the international press regarding an alleged “voicemail bombardment.” Due to the ongoing investigation by the Awkward Mitigation Team (AMT), EDW Lynch was unable to respond to specific questions regarding the alleged series of voicemails and text messages sent, allegedly, to an individual over the course of the weekend.

EDW Lynch did take the opportunity express regret for a 2004 incident in which 10 messages and phone calls were transmitted to a young woman in San Francisco. The manglomerate takes these matters very seriously and looks forward to the conclusion of the Awkward Mitigation Team’s investigation.

In other news, EDW Lynch has recently enjoyed the finest sandwich of this fiscal quarter. For the record, it was a Vietnamese Banh Mi.

See the full text of the press release

Additional EDW Lynch press conference videos can be found here

The Parent Company of EDW Lynch

The Parent Company of EDW Lynch has issued a statement supporting the manglomerate’s ongoing efforts during San Francisco’s romantic recession. Since 1982, managing partners Jennifer Lynch and Stephen Wagoner have been outspoken members of the EDW Lynch board of directors. As chairman of the board, EDW Lynch is pleased and honored to receive the ongoing support of the Parent Company, particularly in such a challenging environment. The statement by spokesmom Jennifer Lynch:

The parent company remains optimistic in spite of current bleak romantic market forecasts and thinks that a revision of market standards is not without merit, short hair indicators being overvalued in this downturn. Diversity, however, remains a company hallmark and an achievable goal in the San Francisco market.

SAN FRANCISCO–EDW Lynch announced Tuesday at the Amnesia Bar and Conference Center that the manglomerate’s romantic projections for this fiscal year have been adjusted. Citing San Francisco’s ongoing romantic recession, EDW Lynch assured stakeholders the adjustments were modest and one-time only. This move follows the manglomerate’s decision last month to leave the romantic market due to “market troubles.”

During Q&A with members of the international press, EDW Lynch addressed the manglomerate’s position in the attractiveness index, the Parent Company’s demand for “a girlfriend by Thanksgiving 2010,” and a key romantic goal involving screen actress Natalie Portman.

From the press release:

Because of this unforeseen lack of activity on the market, EDW Lynch is adjusting romantic projections for this fiscal year. This modest, one-time adjustment reflects a minimal impact on our romantic operations. EDW Lynch expects conditions to improve this Fall, at which point the manglomerate will re-enter the San Francisco romantic market.

See the full text of the press release
See revised romantic projections for this fiscal year (FY 2011)

UN Commander EDW Lynch boldly confronts cardboard tube militants

SAN FRANCISCO- In yet another example of his selfless humanitarian spirit, EDW Lynch led a United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission monitoring mission to Hayes Valley Farm.

Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing. While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.

EDW Lynch responded to concerns about his personal safety by noting that “the work of the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission is dangerous but necessary. I will continue to heed the call of international humanitarianism, provided that call comes from somewhere in the San Francisco Bay Area.”

SAN FRANCISCO- EDW Lynch held a press conference late Tuesday to announce the manglomerate’s official departure from San Francisco’s Romantic Market. Newly promoted Vice President of Partner Management, Jasmine Steel, Esq., was on hand to field questions and to assure the public that EDW Lynch’s departure is a sign of market troubles and has no bearing on the manglomerate’s romantic valuation.

In the past fiscal quarter, our analysts have observed a sharp downturn in romantic activity, in other words, a romantic recession. Due to the unfavorable romantic climate, effective immediately, EDW Lynch is pulling out of the San Francisco Romantic Market.

At this time all Partner Management dating accounts are closed and our operations on OK Cupid are suspended.

EDW Lynch will rejoin the San Francisco Romantic Market when conditions improve.

EDW announces his departure on the OK Cupid dating site

Full text of the press release can be found here.

For further information the press contact is Vice President of Partner Management Jasmine Steel, Esq., jsteel at edwlynch.com

See also:

EDW Lynch Discloses LJBF Incident at Televised Conference

SAN FRANCISCO- EDW Lynch disclosed a “Let’s Just Be Friends” (LJBF) incident at a televised press conference on Tuesday, ending speculation by the international press regarding a series of Moment of Awkwardness (MOA) alerts that occurred the preceding Sunday. The text of the press release is below and the original document can also be found here.

On the evening of Sunday, May 23rd, EDW Lynch was present at a romantic evaluation meeting or “Date” with a young woman “Erica K,” who was considered by this company to be a potential romantic opportunity. At 7:32pm pacific daylight time, Erica issued a statement of “Let’s Just Be Friends” to EDW Lynch. In line with company policy, her account with our dating department has been closed.

EDW Lynch is disclosing this incident pursuant of company policy, and for the benefit of our stakeholders and the public. This LJBF disclosure is not cause for concern, and falls well within our romantic projections for this fiscal year.

For additional information, the press contact is Social Resources Czar T. Argyle Funston-Nakamoto, socialresources at edwlynch.com

Kittens and Puppies at last see eye to eye. Photo cc Sarah Jones

SAN FRANCISCO–Ending months of speculation into his whereabouts, EDW Lynch emerged from self-imposed isolation to reveal his behind-the-scenes role in ending centuries of hatred and violence between kittens and puppies. EDW announced the historic Point Reyes Agreement Between Kittens and Puppies at his San Francisco corporate headquarters before representatives of the international humanitarian press and about 250 baby animals.

“At long last, the senseless war between tiny, fuzzy kittens and happy, clumsy little puppies is over,” intoned EDW Lynch as he posed between a 6 week-old Maine Coon kitten and a 3 week-old Dachsund puppy, grasping a tiny paw in each hand. Moments later, ten fuzzy mewing little kittens and ten goofy silly little puppies ratified the agreement by paw print. Members of the press spontaneously erupted in a pained “awwwwww,” though one journalist briefly lost consciousness due to the sheer volume of adorableness and was rushed to a nearby hospital.

The Point Reyes Agreement formalizes a cessation of hostilities in a war of cuteness that has spanned centuries.  The treaty is the product of months of tense negotiations at an undisclosed facility in Point Reyes, California. EDW Lynch served as a back-channel liaison, hosting the secret negotiations at a time when the baby animal partisans were still publicly calling for each other’s destruction.

Centuries of senselessly adorable brawling

Kittens, long prized for their unbearable fuzziness, have condemned increasing levels of puppy fuzziness, particularly among small “toy” dogs.  Puppies meanwhile have engaged in centuries long armed struggle against what they believe is an unacceptable rise in kitten clumsiness, historically a trait most often found in roly poly puppy dogs.  In recent years the conflict has devolved in a series of nauseatingly cute brawls between the two factions, as well as a number of high profile bombings and arson attacks.

The Point Reyes Agreement outlines a “cute-sharing” accord between the two factions: Kittens will retain their historic monopoly on fuzziness, with a special exception allowed only for several breeds of dogs, including Pomeranians. As a concession, kittens have agreed to refrain from being adorably clumsy for a period of 10 years, after which puppies have agreed to allow them to fall down in a heap of tiger striped fuzz, not more than once per day and only on naturally slick surfaces, such as hardwood flooring.  The Agreement also covers such contentious cute behaviors as face-licking (now puppies only), and plaintive whining or mewing (kittens only.) Snuggly gatherings of 6 or more baby animals in a wicker basket remains free to both kittens and puppies.

In return for these concessions, both sides have agreed to end their bitter armed struggle and the senseless doctrine of Mutually Adorable Destruction. EDW Lynch praised the baby animal factions for their measured and fair negotiation of the treaty, and “their itsy bitsy cold little noses.”

Quaking and shivering, they tumble into a brave new world. Photo cc kmevans